When we think about detoxing we usually think about cleansing our bodies of the chemicals that build up in our systems or recalibrating our minds to eliminate the toxic thoughts that keep us stressed and on edge. We rarely consider detoxing our relationships yet keeping the status quo with some of the people in our lives may be causing us mental, emotional and even physical harm.

A toxic relationship is most obvious in our most intimate pairings and at its extreme is defined as domestic abuse. However, toxic people exist at all levels of our interactions with others and they can be harmful in ways that are more subtle than physical violence. From a spouse to a parent, a sibling to a friend, a co-worker to a service provider, it isn’t the context of the relationship that is important; how that person makes us feel is the telling point.

Sometimes, our toxic relationships make us passive and submissive and other times they can make us aggressive and abusive. Either way, harm is being done, leaving a scar on the psyche. While relationships can be toxic from the start, sometimes they degenerate over time, creating frustration, anger and resentment. If we don’t try to rebalance these relationships through good communication and compromise, or end them if the threat to our wellbeing is too great, we can be harmed and/or do harm.

Good people, bad relationship

Toxic relationships often involve one or more toxic personalities. Toxic personalities are well recognised by psychologists and behaviourists and there is a body of research that demonstrates the significant impact these people can have on those around them. Being able to recognise the individuals in your life who are toxic is crucial to protecting yourself from harm, as is having the tools to deal with them.

It’s important to say up front that a toxic relationship doesn’t necessarily mean the people involved are bad. Rather than it being a case of people being good, bad, right or wrong, it’s more often a lack of cohesion, of being able to communicate effectively or of social skills. Just because we need each other doesn’t mean we are very good at being together and it doesn’t mean we won’t hurt each other deliberately or inadvertently.

To survive and thrive, we need to surround ourselves with friends and family and co-exist in a positive way with others in the workplace. We interact with a large number of people every day and each one leaves an imprint of some kind on our souls. While many of these interactions are fairly benign and some joyful and uplifting, there are also those that deflate, aggravate or deplete us.

If the toxic person is someone you can easily avoid, your wellbeing can be protected without a great deal of effort on your part. When the individual is a family member or co-worker, or a friend or loved one’s partner, however, it’s crucial for your wellbeing that you can manage these interactions. These kinds of relationships cannot ever be easily severed — familial ties are laden with guilt and longing and they are intrinsically linked with our sense of identity — so you need to learn in these instances ways to protect and defend your sense of self and your level of happiness.

Toxic people

To begin to know how to protect ourselves, we need to better understand the threat, so we need to clearly define what a toxic person is. Lillian Glass, a US-based communication expert and author, describes them as those individuals who drain your energy, reduce your self-esteem, make you feel sick or inadequate or who undermine you. They are the people we like to see the back of, the people we dread having to deal with and the ones who bring out the worst in us.

These people exhibit behaviours and traits that make it difficult for others to feel confident and at ease. These traits and behaviours can be described as toxic and, while some of us exhibit them sometimes, others exhibit them too often. These individuals can be said to have toxic personalities.

Glass and others have identified a number of types of toxic personalities categorised by the way in which they create havoc among those around them. I have categorised them as follows based on the variety of toxic behaviours identified by Glass and her peers. Generally, we can say there is the person who is needy and self-absorbed, the person who constantly criticises or judges, the liar, the bully, the person who constantly meddles, the manipulator and the user.

Toxic types

• The Needy
• The Judge
• The Liar
• The Bully
• The Meddler
• The Manipulator
• The User

You probably know some of these people and might recognise them from the following sketches:

The Needy: These people are constantly requiring your time and attention and nothing you ever do will be quite enough to satisfy them. Their problems are greater than anyone else’s and they will never be available for you when you need some support in return.

The Critic: They are constantly negative, either criticising everyone and everything or judging harshly. Nothing is ever exactly right and you cannot win when it comes to trying to cheer them up or point out something great. They will throw cold water on your ideas and successes and belittle the things that bring you joy.

The Bully: Just like the bullies in the schoolyard, these people do what they can to compromise your self-esteem. They know exactly where your tender spots are and use them to weaken you.

The Manipulator: This person can get you to do things you don’t want to do or don’t have time to do without giving you a chance to say no. They have a way of getting what they want when they want and don’t much care who gets put out for it to happen. Often their strategies are subtle and you’ll find yourself manoeuvred before you realise what has happened. Emotional blackmail is The Manipulator’s favourite tool.

The Liar: They are dishonest in the things they do and say. They let others down, are insincere and have no sense of self-responsibility. They have many excuses but cannot seem to really express any remorse for their behaviour.

The Meddler: This type is constantly in everyone’s business, making trouble wherever they go because they think they know best. They gossip and intercede in ways that are destructive and plead innocence when their efforts make a situation worse. They dress their behaviour up in concern and love yet their motives are not always noble.

The User: An opportunist, the user will callously use anyone they can to get what they want. The user can be subtle in their tactics, employing charm to make you feel less manipulated by their requests. They will not be there for you when need a favour in return.

While these descriptions may sound obvious, toxic people can be subtle in their work, quietly chipping away at your self-esteem. We often make excuses for them because we don’t recognise the true nature of their behaviour or acknowledge the long-term effect they are having on us. Habitual relationships, such as family, spouse or long-term friend, are notorious for being toxic without us realising it, making them dangerous in the long term.