According to therapist and author Andrew G Marshall, the way we demonstrate love and the way we want it shown to us makes up our “language of love”. This language is as individual as we are and, as such, must be interpreted accurately so we can have successful relationships.

Your language of love, expressed through a combination of words and actions, is specific to you and is based on your experiences in the past plus the influence of factors such as family, society and culture. Unfortunately, many of us make assumptions about how we relate to each other when we’re in love and believe our partners will understand our language of love without us having to clarify our needs.

Compounding this is the fact that during those first months of intense love there is a mutual language of love based on a purely romantic ideal that comes from the euphoria and passion experienced at the beginning of a relationship. It enfolds and cocoons us away from reality so that every moment of our existence is focused on the other person and the powerful happiness and joy we feel now that we’ve found someone who makes our heart sing.

During that first blush of love, the nuts and bolts of what loving each other means don’t come into play. Yet research and experience show that if you don’t make clear your language style, then confusion, disappointment and fear can jeopardise the shift from that first intense interaction to the next natural stage of the relationship, sometimes referred to as companionate love. As the intensity of the attention we lavish on each other eases, it can be easy to assume love itself is dimming.

According to relationship counsellors and researchers, the disappointment and confusion are triggered because the meaning and definition of love we carry around with us are generally romantic ones. We enjoy and even rely on the notion that love will conquer all, that love is enough to get you through the tough times, and that love should always be exciting.

Understandably, this puts a lot of pressure on love, and if our relationships are to survive or fail by it, we’d better know what love is and, importantly, what sustains it.