At times, we all feel like we’d love to escape the world to do our personal healing work, then come back all fixed and ready to continue. Yet, there’s an abundance of material in everyday life that we can use for our healing, if only we were more conscious of it. Our relationships, in particular, can provide the ideal training ground for any committed seeker of truth.

Have you ever thought: “Why is this happening to me again?” Some philosophies hold that whatever we came into this life to heal will keep recurring; our soul will attract this same conflict like a magnet until we have fully brought it to consciousness and learnt the lesson that’s necessary to deal with it. Only then will we be free of it.

We all have our blind spots, except perhaps those rare enlightened beings we hear about but don’t know. The rest of us operate day to day with a mask we show to the world. That mask, by its very nature, hides what we don’t want others to know. Robert Johnson, a Jungian scholar and author of Owning Your Own Shadow, describes our psychological makeup in such terms: “The persona is what we would like to be and how we wish to be seen by the world. It is our psychological clothing and it mediates between our true selves and our environment, just as our physical clothing presents an image to those we meet. The ego is what we are and know about consciously. The shadow is that part of us we fail to see or know.”

Real-life example

Careful what you wish for — you might just get it, as Peter and Alice did. When they married, they agreed they were ready to start a family. They’ve recently had their second child. Previously enjoying two incomes, the family is now having to manage on one. Money is tighter and the responsibility is bigger. Peter now feels more pressure than ever to perform at his job and is working long hours, including evenings and occasional weekends. Alice is feeling the strain of the demands of motherhood while taking time out from a rewarding career.

The demands of raising two young children, regular interruptions to sleep and a diminished sex life, combined with reduced opportunities to socialise, have brought their life back to a very basic level. Despite all the challenges, Peter and Alice still love each other and their children, but are experiencing recurring conflict. There’s a running argument about how much time Peter spends with the family. He feels unappreciated for his efforts in providing for them, while Alice feels unsupported in looking after the children. She wants Peter to be around to help more and feels there’s an emotional distance between them.

Can this recurring conflict be solved or is it something that can’t be fixed because of its very nature? The typical win–win problem-solving model would want Peter and Alice to both get what they need. Simply put, Alice would acknowledge Peter for his role and his hard work and Peter would be more available and prioritise his time so he could better assist Alice with parenting duties. They would both agree to make more of an effort to connect with each other. But is that enough? It should be, shouldn’t it? After all, the current situation is what both Peter and Alice thought they wanted.