At every turn there are influences as to how you should be, what you should wear and what you need to do in order to be happy. I call these myths, or unquestioned assumptions. Myths created by society impinge on our choices: instead of increasing our options they actually reduce them by hoodwinking us into believing that only certain choices will bring us happiness — the career, a perfect relationship, wealth. In view of this, we tend to frequently look to others when deciding how to live our lives, how to dress, how to spend our leisure time, how many hours to work, whether or not to have children or even what movies to watch! We tend to behave stereotypically and allow fashion and general consensus to dictate the direction of our lives.

It’s not these things in themselves that are problematic, since they often provide a source of pleasure and fulfilment. However, one of the obstacles to being happy is the underpinning assumption that somehow we all want the same things or that the same things will produce the same sense of wellbeing in us all. The media reinforce these messages, seducing us into believing that if we learn the formula, we will attain happiness.

So let us examine one of the main myths that underpins our choices and inhibits us living our lives on our own terms — the identity myth. By following some practical exercises, you can explore the extent to which this myth impacts on your life. You can then choose from a wider array of options, explore the implications of taking different paths and accommodate the anxiety that results from choosing.

The identity myth

This myth says you should be someone other than the person you want to be or that fitting in with others’ expectations and desires will bring you happiness.

Try the following exercise:

• Think of something you do that you can honestly say isn’t done with 100 per cent commitment and choice. It may be something you do at work or at home; for example, visiting relatives or drinking with work colleagues on a Friday night.
• Write down as much detail as possible; that is, how often you do it, how long it takes and for how long you’ve been doing it.
• What are the actual benefits of doing it?
• Write the reasons you give yourself and others for doing it.
• Outline the actual cost of continuing to do it. This may be expressed in financial terms but also in emotional, health or psychological terms.
• What would happen if you no longer did it?
• What are the real reasons you continue to do it?

You may find it easy to identify something in your life that isn’t done with 100 per cent commitment. Maybe it’s been too long since you really did choose to do something that you wanted to. You may recognise your life as no more than a series of commitments and duties. If so, don’t become disheartened. Change is always possible and by challenging how myths influence your life, you will begin to see that the life you are leading now is a choice and can be changed.

The answer to the last question may have aroused strong reactions in you. Once you have outlined how often you do something, the pros and cons of continuing to do it and the consequences of stopping, the real reasons for doing it change. Often people use words like “should”, “must”, “ought” in their answers. Such words echo elements of the identity myth: we must do something because someone else expects it; it’s our duty; others in that “role” do it, so that’s what is expected. Once you get in touch with the real reasons you do something without 100 per cent commitment, you’ll find it’s not because you fear others’ reactions. It stems from a desire to reduce the anxiety that comes from saying no to someone else or daring to be different at the expense of being called abnormal or selfish.