I should exercise more. I should get up earlier. I should eat more green leafy vegetables \u2026 or maybe I should just stop saying \u201cshould\u201d. By \u201cshould-ing,\u201d I\u2019m comparing myself with others, or with an idealised version of what I could be. \u201cShould\u201d suggests that I need to change, because who I am now isn\u2019t good enough.
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Sure, occasionally \u201cshould\u201d can be helpful. It can help us focus on our priorities. For example, if I want to complete another half-marathon this year, I\u2019ll need to train. But telling myself I should run doesn\u2019t always motivate me to hit the pavement. Perhaps there are better ways to encourage myself.
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Psychologist Patrea O\u2019Donoghue says one of the problems with \u201cshould\u201d is that it puts a negative slant on things. Even things we want to do can lose their appeal if we throw \u201cshould\u201d into the mix. \u201cIt\u2019s got that negative heaviness to it that I think counterbalances any positive element that we\u2019re going to get from it,\u201d she says.
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This negative impact often stems from obligation. \u201cAnything that follows \u2018should\u2019 has probably come from outside us,\u201d says Patrea. Whether from family, culture or other outside influences, we often internalise these obligations and associate them with being \u201cgood\u201d. By that logic, we can perceive ourselves as \u201cbad\u201d if we don\u2019t do these things. And generalising our behaviours into judgements about being good or bad is unhelpful, unproductive and unkind.
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So, how do we turn should-ing around and move towards self-compassion?
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Recognising the \u201cshoulds\u201d<\/strong> The first step is awareness: how many times a day do you think or say, \u201cI should\u201d? Many of us would have no idea. Mindfulness or meditation, with periods of silence, is one method Patrea recommends for hearing the inner chatter and recognising what we\u2019re telling ourselves. Another is to recruit someone we trust, and ask them to gently nudge us when we drop \u201cshould\u201d into a conversation (or similar terms such as \u201cmust\u201d or \u201chave to\u201d). Stopping \u201cshould\u201d in its tracks<\/strong> Once we\u2019ve identified the \u201cshould-ing\u201d, we can begin to address it. Breaking the habit might be tricky, but Patrea has some practical ideas, such as writing down \u201cI should\u201d and putting a line through the words to declare a should-free zone. It\u2019s also useful to identify whose voice is behind the \u201cshould\u201d, and whether it aligns with your values. One way to do this is to ask yourself, \u201cWhy should I?\u201d If this brings up a sense of obligation or pressure, and doesn\u2019t gel with your priorities, then perhaps you could reconsider its importance. But if it\u2019s something you really want, Patrea suggests swapping \u201cI should\u201d for a more positively framed expression such as \u201cI gratefully do\u201d or \u201cI willingly do\u201d \u2014 and perhaps even sticking those new words up on the fridge. See how that changes your perspective. Separating being from doing<\/strong> When we think of what we should be doing, we\u2019re often inadvertently saying that what we are doing is wrong, says Patrea. \u201cAnd often when we say, \u2018What I am doing is wrong,\u2019 we then translate that to \u2018I am wrong \u2014 as a person.\u2019\u201d Instead of the inner point-scoring of defining ourselves by our actions, the aim is to connect with ourselves without judgement. \u201cTo just be, without doing, is a wonderful way to start,\u201d Patrea suggests. Being our own best friend<\/strong> Self-compassion is about \u201ctreating yourself like you would your best friend,\u201d says Patrea. This means being kind, showing understanding instead of judgement when things go wrong, and spending quality time with yourself. Allowing ourselves simply to be, just as we are and without judgement, can be a challenge if we\u2019re used to \u201cshould-ing\u201d ourselves into action. But maybe we should try. Stephanie Cantrill is a Melbourne-based freelance writer with a background in healthcare and the community sector. If she completes a half-marathon this year, it will be because she wants to and not because she should.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I should exercise more. I should get up earlier. I should eat more green leafy vegetables \u2026 or maybe I should just stop saying \u201cshould\u201d. By \u201cshould-ing,\u201d I\u2019m comparing myself with others, or with an idealised version of what I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":44,"featured_media":1102,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[30],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1101"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/44"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1101"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1101\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1104,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1101\/revisions\/1104"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1102"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1101"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1101"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1101"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
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