When was the last time you made a friend? Perhaps this person came into your life unexpectedly, yet the relationship blossomed as you were open to letting them in. As we get older these occurrences can be less likely, as people tend to establish friendship groups in their late teens and twenties and then feel they don\u2019t \u201cneed\u201d any more friends. We might feel too busy to get to know someone new or unsure how to even meet potential pals. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cMany of us go through stages in life where our focus and energy for our friendships fluctuate,\u201d says counsellor and psychotherapist Wendy Gilroy. \u201cWhen we\u2019re young, we\u2019re surrounded by friends so much of the time. Friends help shape who we are through play, learning, sports activities and generally having fun,\u201d she continues. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cBy the time we reach adulthood and we have a stronger sense of who we are, some of us may not rely on friends as much as we once did,\u201d Wendy says. \u201cFor others, the demands of everyday life once they have a family can hold them back from maintaining friendships, and the thought of making new friends when life feels so busy can seem too hard.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
While many of my friends were made through common scenarios such as studying or working together and by sharing similar interests and hobbies, others I\u2019ve met more randomly. Backpacking through England 15 years ago (as detailed in my solo travelling article in issue 04 of Being titled \u201cGoing it alone\u201d), I found myself waiting at a bus shelter for the London to Manchester service. The coach had been delayed by several hours and me and the other travellers were getting frustrated. I sat next to a young woman and we started chatting. I learned that, like me, her name was Sam, we were close in age and she was also getting antsy at the schedule disruption.
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\u201cI remember I was panicking as I needed to get to work, and you told me you needed to meet someone to couch surf with,\u201d says Sam Owen. \u201cI was worried you were going to be homeless for the night. I went to catch the train whereas you waited for the bus, so I gave you my number in case you got stuck and on the off chance I was prepared to let you crash for the night. You didn\u2019t look like the classic axe murderer so I thought I\u2019d be safe, but I did spend the evening wondering if you did call, how was I going to let a random stay?\u201d
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Our encounter had only lasted about half an hour, and while I didn\u2019t need to call on Sam for the accommodation offer, we met up a few days after. \u201cI was intrigued and envious of your solo travelling,\u201d says Sam. I loved her accent, sense of humour, faith in humanity (handing out her number like that!), and caring and outgoing nature. We\u2019ve maintained and strengthened our friendship over the years, as I\u2019ve since visited Sam several more times in Manchester, and Sam and her husband have stayed with my partner and I in Melbourne. We chat regularly through Facebook and WhatsApp, which have helped keep us connected.
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Thinking about how Sam and I met, I\u2019m grateful that smartphones weren\u2019t as prevalent back in 2005 as they are now, as I might not have looked up from it to strike up a conversation while waiting for that bus. Yet Sam points out that our friendship wouldn\u2019t be as strong without technology, given we live on opposite sides of the globe. \u201cIf we didn\u2019t have smartphones and if social media hadn\u2019t been developed, we would have found it very difficult to have kept in touch,\u201d says Sam. \u201cIt appears technology has replaced personal interaction but has also created and developed a lot of existing friendships.\u201d
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When it comes to personal interaction, it\u2019s important to be present with others, no less so than when you\u2019re meeting someone for the first time. Wendy encourages open body language as a way of making yourself more welcoming to others. \u201cHave your shoulders back, arms uncrossed and face the person you\u2019re meeting. Have a genuine smile, maintain eye contact during conversation and be an active listener,\u201d she says. \u201cYou could also show interest in the other person by asking questions, using empathy or offering to help them out in some small way should an opportunity arise.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s not uncommon to feel nervous or self-conscious when meeting new people, as most people care about what others think of them. \u201cUltimately we want to feel like we fit in or that we\u2019re accepted by others,\u201d says Wendy. \u201cAcknowledging that most people around you are probably feeling the same can help you get through this fear. Being kind to yourself can help reduce any nervousness or anxiety when it comes to meeting new people.\u201d
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Whether you have a long list of criteria for potential friends or preconceived ideas about who you\u2019d click with, broaden your thinking. Wendy says that by being non-judgemental towards others, we can be open to making new friends more easily. You might find that the first impression you had of someone changes for the better. If you\u2019re not particularly impressed by them and have nipped in the bud any chance of connection, you might miss out on a meaningful relationship.
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\u201cSometimes we can be quick to judge others we meet, and much of this happens subconsciously in those first few seconds,\u201d says Wendy. \u201cBut if you allow yourself to be a little more open, despite appearances, age differences, interests and different cultural upbringings, you might surprise yourself with what may develop in time,\u201d she continues. \u201cTry to keep an open mind, because those first impressions aren\u2019t necessarily a true indicator of the real person who\u2019s standing in front of you,\u201d she says. \u201cA beautiful and invaluable friendship may blossom weeks, months or even years down the track!\u201d
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As Wendy points out, while some friendships might spark immediately, others take time to develop. Just because one is slower to establish doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s less worthwhile than one that hits the ground running.
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\u201cResearch has shown us that good friendships lead to greater health and happiness in our life,\u201d says Wendy. \u201cFriendships allow us to create meaningful bonds with others, which is a way to help others and ourselves feel happy throughout our lifetime.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Quality over quantity is of course important when it comes to friends. What\u2019s the point of clocking up hundreds of connections on social media if you don\u2019t have one person you can have a heart-to-heart with? Yet sometimes we can believe we have enough friends and not let new people in. By thinking this way you might miss out on the type of friendship that brings you to your knees with laughter, gives you a partner in crime, offers a different perspective or opens your eyes up to a new way of living.<\/p>\n\n\n\n