{"id":669,"date":"2021-10-12T09:55:32","date_gmt":"2021-10-11T23:55:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/?p=669"},"modified":"2021-08-23T14:27:00","modified_gmt":"2021-08-23T04:27:00","slug":"setting-compassionate-boundaries","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/setting-compassionate-boundaries\/","title":{"rendered":"Setting boundaries to avoid compassion fatigue"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

While boundaries can sound harsh, they can be kind. They are integral to self-care, keeping your needs from being put last.<\/em>
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As a compassionate person, you\u2019re likely called in when someone is in need or you\u2019re there immediately offering your help before anyone can ask. Whether it\u2019s a shoulder to cry on or practical help, you\u2019re used to making yourself available to others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But this offer or expectation of help can become a burden, as you may feel overwhelmed by the dependency others have on you or burnt out by compassion-fatigue. While pulling away can rid you with guilt, it\u2019s important to prioritise self-care. Compassionate boundaries will not only protect your energy, they can also lead to healthier relationships and improved self-esteem.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Differentiating between compassion and empathy<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Compassion and empathy, while often used interchangeably, are not the same thing. Psychotherapist and counsellor Natajsa Wagner says that we all have a great capacity for compassion, while empathy is finite. \u201cWe can\u2019t continue to give empathy without replenishing our own energy reserves. When we move into the dark side of empathy, we can become overloaded,\u201d she says.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

While compassion involves being aware of another\u2019s suffering and becoming motivated to take action, empathy can lead us to become overly engaged. This is where lines can blur as to what we feel and what the other person feels, as we move into their experience. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Empathy and compassion can still go hand-in-hand with what Natajsa refers to as being \u201ccompassionately detached\u201d \u2014 \u201cwhere we are holding space for ourselves as well as the other person,\u201d she says. \u201cThis means that we are not numb or aloof when it comes to others\u2019 pain, but we are also not flooded with their pain. It\u2019s where we can still connect to ourselves but not lose touch with our own body and own emotions.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Letting go of \u201cshould\u201d<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

So in the past you may have dropped everything when your friend wanted to relay their latest gripe, but you\u2019re now feeling stretched and drained. Maybe your parents are pressuring you to call more often than you\u2019d like, and you feel the burden of what it means to be a good daughter or son. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let go of the notion of what you should do, as this doesn\u2019t always take into account what is best for you. It is also worth exploring what it means to feel needed and why this is important to you \u2014 do you not feel like you are enough without being of service to others? Counselling and journalling can help you make breakthroughs on what is likely to have become a long-term pattern of coming to the rescue.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Comparing yourself to others is unhelpful, too. Just because your colleague is working themselves to the bone or whipping up a batch of cupcakes for the charity bake sale, that doesn\u2019t mean you have to as well. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWe all have different capacities when it comes to what we might be able to
offer another person at any given time; we need to learn to honour our feelings and emotions around this rather than thinking we should be doing more,\u201d says Natajsa.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cPeople who have taken on roles in relationships as caregivers or are highly sensitive people (HSPs) or empaths are at risk if they don\u2019t have awareness of their own feelings and emotions and find it difficult to express these.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Examining your guilt<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

While we know the ability to say \u201cno\u201d is important in maintaining our boundaries, it can be hard to put yourself first without feeling a flood of guilt. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Understanding the role of guilt can help you realise that it\u2019s not always applicable. \u201cGuilt is intended to be a reparative emotion,\u201d says Natajsa. \u201cGuilt happens for people when they feel they have done something wrong and they want to make amends. In the case of people who feel selfish because they put boundaries and limits in place or are putting themselves first, it\u2019s clear that this isn\u2019t something to feel guilty about. There is no repair that needs to happen here because we haven\u2019t done anything wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yet while we can understand this intellectually, we can still feel burdened by the feeling that we are not doing enough, or are enough. In this instance, Natajsa says it\u2019s worth embracing the guilt instead. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhile guilt might not feel great, the presence of it is a good sign for over givers,\u201d she says. \u201cIt means they may be taking care of themselves, and this is something they can usually afford to do more of \u2014 even when they think they are being selfish \u2014 because usually they lean more towards taking care of others.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Detaching from the response <\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Not all boundaries are understood or respected by the person at the receiving end. In fact, you\u2019ll often find that the people who react the worst to boundaries being put in place are the very people who need them! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt\u2019s important to expect that change can be difficult and that people may react with shock or anger when we start to change the rules of the game,\u201d says Natajsa. \u201cWe can be prepared to hold our ground and also explain the changes and why we need to make them. We can come from a place of compassion when we are doing this; where we feel grounded, calm and confident so that we don\u2019t get drawn into the other person\u2019s shock and pain in the moment.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And if you experience anger or resentment from someone when you set a boundary, it\u2019s likely the relationship is not reciprocal. \u201cWhen there is an imbalance in a relationship, one person requires the other person to give more time, energy and resources, while you\u2019re left not receiving anything in return,\u201d she says. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Leaning into generosity, not obligation<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

If you\u2019ve felt overloaded before, you may be more cautious about lending a helping hand again. What if that \u201cevery now and then\u201d food shop for your elderly neighbour becomes a constant obligation? Or that offer to drive a friend to an appointment becomes an expectation that you\u2019ll be available at the drop of a hat?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Never helping anyone due to the fear they will overload you isn\u2019t the answer, but instead, decide who and what to give your energy to. This decision should come down to mutual respect, as this results in healthier boundaries. \u201cWhen someone respects our thought, effort and time, this really sets the tone for all of our interactions,\u201d says Natajsa. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Set expectations from the beginning by understanding what is being asked of you, and check in so both parties can talk about how the arrangement is going. For example, if you agree to do a weekly food shop for your elderly neighbour, make sure that you both understand when you\u2019ll do this and for how long. If they start expecting daily shops, be open with them about what is and isn\u2019t possible \u2014 you may be able to do this, but don\u2019t feel bad if you can\u2019t take this more time-intensive task on. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Remember that while others\u2019 needs are important, they aren\u2019t more important than your own. \u201cWhen we decide to put another person\u2019s needs above our own, we abandon ourselves and what our needs are,\u201d says Natajsa. \u201cThis is about recognising and honouring our feelings and emotions as valid, just as we would honour another person\u2019s.\u201d  <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

More information:<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Samantha Allemann is a Melbourne-based freelance writer and editor who has written for <\/em>Being magazine since issue 01. When she\u2019s not writing, she\u2019s usually daydreaming or reading (preferably surrounded by cats). <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

To find out more about how to understand and connect with yourself and others please click here<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As a compassionate person, you\u2019re likely called in when someone is in need or you\u2019re there immediately offering your help before anyone can ask. Whether it\u2019s a shoulder to cry on or practical help, you\u2019re used to making yourself available to others.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":33,"featured_media":716,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[25,30,80],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/669"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/33"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=669"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/669\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":720,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/669\/revisions\/720"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/716"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=669"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=669"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=669"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}