{"id":79,"date":"2019-12-18T02:58:27","date_gmt":"2019-12-17T16:58:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/?p=79"},"modified":"2021-02-24T15:43:33","modified_gmt":"2021-02-24T05:43:33","slug":"a-breakdown-for-a-breakthrough","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/a-breakdown-for-a-breakthrough\/","title":{"rendered":"A breakdown for a breakthrough in friendships"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

True connection and a sense of belonging with yourself is found in honouring the ebbs and flows of friendships \u2014 leaning into them when it feels right as well as listening to your intuition when it\u2019s time to walk away.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was 11.30am and I had so much work to do, but I couldn\u2019t focus. I was feeling jittery and anxious because a very dear friendship was on the rocks and, for the life of me, I couldn\u2019t work out why. We\u2019d been so in sync \u2014 the way only close girlfriends can be \u2014 and, all of a sudden, it was like we were strangers.

I was trying to focus on my work when my phone beeped. She had sent me a text message: \u201cCan you meet for lunch today?\u201d I leapt up from my chair, even though I\u2019d literally just told myself I\u2019d do nothing but work until the early afternoon, replying \u201cyes of course\u201d, and hopped into the rental car I was using while mine was getting serviced. I drove to the cafe feeling rushed, my mind whirring way too fast. Did she want to talk to me about our friendship? Would I say something if she didn\u2019t? How long would lunch take? And how much work would I have to catch up on later?

With all this, and more, roiling through my heart, mind and soul, I saw a parking spot and indicated that it was mine at the same time that someone else did. A wave of irritation and nervous energy surged through me \u2014 I needed this spot! \u2014 and, without thinking, I reversed my rental car too quickly into the parking spot \u2026 hitting a tree on the way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ll never forget the sound of metal crunching into bark, the feeling of my heart sinking and the realisation that not only was I in the wrong place, but I was definitely there at the wrong time, too.

If I was honest with myself, I hadn\u2019t wanted to meet her, not really. But I\u2019d been so desperate to hold on to the relationship that I didn\u2019t check in with my intuition first. My intuition that so strongly asked me to stay home \u2014 not simply because of work, but because I didn\u2019t need to be pushing this relationship to be something it simply couldn\u2019t be anymore.

I was so angry with myself. I walked into the cafe in tears, not able to enjoy one bite (or one moment of my friend\u2019s banter). My concentration was drifting in and out of the conversation.

That impromptu lunch date cost me $1000 in car repair fees and was the beginning of the end of the friendship. But it was the biggest and best reminder of several truths that have since served me well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Know yourself<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

I think one of the keys to truly enjoying your friendships is to understand yourself. For years, I gave myself such grief for not being the extrovert I thought I needed to be in order to have deep friendships.

Of course, now I know the opposite is true; I know my introverted nature is what helps me nurture the deepest relationships, and I\u2019m more than OK with being the woman who has lots of very close girlfriends who I often see separately than one who is part of a large group of friends. (It\u2019s taken me a while to get there, though.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Be yourself<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

As part of knowing yourself, it\u2019s important to simply be yourself, and to feel comfortable celebrating achievements and crying over missed goals alongside your pals. Your truest, most genuine friends won\u2019t be intimidated by your success, nor will you be by theirs. However, not all friendships will stand the test of time when you\u2019re truly shining your light \u2014 and that\u2019s OK, too.
It had been several days since I\u2019d publicly announced that I\u2019d received a book deal and I hadn\u2019t heard a peep from someone who I\u2019d considered very close friend. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and still \u2026 nothing. Our years-long friendship had evaporated faster than you could type \u201cauthor-to-be\u201d.

I was crushed, but as author Marianne Williamson says, \u201cThere is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won\u2019t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.\u201d

Sometimes it takes some work for you to be happy for others when you see them doing, being or having something that calls to you, too. But you have to know that when you see something in someone else\u2019s life that you desire, it\u2019s simply shining a light on what\u2019s possible for you, too. And there is more than enough to go around. A rising tide lifts all the boats. Choose friends who are on board with that (pun intended).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Speak up<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

The best friendships \u2014 indeed the healthiest relationships \u2014 are ones in = which you\u2019re free to speak up and, importantly, ones in which you feel seen and heard in return.

A little while ago, I ummed and ahhed for days over texting my best friend about something that had upset me. I knew she had a lot on her plate and I didn\u2019t want to add to it \u2026 but by keeping my mouth closed, I was merely adding to my own. I felt really sad and I feared that if I didn\u2019t speak up soon, I\u2019d do something I\u2019d later regret (retreating being the most likely option).

In Braving The Wilderness, researcher Bren\u00e9 Brown writes, \u201cWhat we know now isthat when we deny our emotion, it owns us. When we own our emotion, we can rebuild and find our way through the pain.\u201d

So I decided to own my emotion. I crafted the gentlest note I could \u2014 one that told her how I was feeling and laid no blame, because there was none to lay. And when I got her reply? \u201cI love you more than words\u201d was how it began and I knew that everything was OK. My sadness cleared and my best friend felt closer to me than ever before.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trust in the abundance of friendships available to you<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

I find it both thrilling and comforting to think there are so many beautiful friendships that will enter my life that I don\u2019t even know of yet.

When I was in high school and sometimes struggling to find my place in a group of girls (who seemed to \u201cfit in\u201d everywhere I didn\u2019t), my mum would always say to me, \u201cOne day, you\u2019ll find friends because of shared interests, not just because of a shared history.\u201d

I\u2019ve always remembered her saying that because (apart from it being a lifeboat for me at times) it\u2019s been so true. I now have friends who get me (perhaps because I get myself), friends who hold me up when I need holding and who push me along when I need pushing; friendships that wouldn\u2019t see me reversing into a tree because I now know \u2014 more than ever before \u2014 to tune into my intuition to help me deepen relationships that are important and let go of ones that have run their course.

You\u2019ll have all kinds of friendships: onesthat last years; ones that come and go; friendships that need more of you than you can offer; friendships that finish before you\u2019re ready; and, thankfully, friendships that unwaveringly carry you.

The best friendships don\u2019t need to be forced and, when one friendship seems to be on the rocks, another might just be on its way. Letting go of friendships that aren\u2019t serving you, however, isn\u2019t easy to do \u2014 it can sometimes feel sad and lonely \u2014 but, as the old adage goes, nature abhors a vacuum. Freeing yourself of friendships that aren\u2019t filling you up allows time, space and energy to find new people, those who\u2019ll be there for you in life-affirming ways, or people who\u2019ll be there for you when others simply can\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n


Words CASSIE MENDOZA-JONES<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n


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True connection and a sense of belonging with yourself is found in honouring the ebbs and flows of friendships \u2014 leaning into them when it feels right as well as listening to your intuition when it\u2019s time to walk away. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":15,"featured_media":110,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/79"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/15"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=79"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/79\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":414,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/79\/revisions\/414"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/110"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=79"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=79"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/being\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=79"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}