{"id":1339,"date":"2021-03-12T09:03:15","date_gmt":"2021-03-11T22:03:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/?p=1339"},"modified":"2021-03-02T13:24:30","modified_gmt":"2021-03-02T02:24:30","slug":"solo-parenting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/solo-parenting","title":{"rendered":"Everything you need to know about the highs and lows of solo parenting"},"content":{"rendered":"

Being a great mum has nothing to do with your relationship status<\/a>. In fact, it has nothing to do with anybody else. For the women who choose it and thrive in the role, motherhood<\/a> is simply a state of being.<\/p>\n

So can you do it on your own? With the help of a sperm donor and modern medicine, yes you can, and there are thousands of single women doing exactly this. They call themselves \u201cSolo Mothers by Choice\u201d as they deliberately take the pregnancy journey without a partner.<\/p>\n

The process of falling pregnant can be a little more challenging on your own. But, as 32-year-old solo mum Lauren found out when she gave birth to her daughter in 2019, the joy at the other end makes it all worth it.<\/p>\n

Why do it alone?<\/h1>\n

Every woman has her own reason for choosing this path. For some it\u2019s a desire to raise their child without having to compromise their own parenting style and values. For others it\u2019s about bringing their baby into a stable family and loving home where there is no risk of relationship breakdown.<\/p>\n

\u201cI wasn\u2019t prepared to settle for just anybody to be my husband simply to get the family that I wanted,\u201d reveals Lauren. \u201cI felt like I could be a better parent and offer a better home as a single mum than I could by settling with someone who I wasn\u2019t 100 per cent committed to.\u201d<\/p>\n

SMC Australia, the national advocacy and support group for solo mums, now boasts more than 2000 members, with more joining every year. Interestingly, they\u2019re seeing an increasing number of women in their 20s and 30s considering it as an option. Taking this path doesn\u2019t have to be a last resort or Plan B, as demonstrated by 31-year-old Shantal, a proud solo mum of two little girls.<\/p>\n

She was just 26 years old and driving to work when she heard a radio advertisement from a fertility group aimed at single women wanting to have kids. \u201cI thought to myself, \u2018I don\u2019t need to wait until I\u2019m in a relationship. I want kids and I can do it\u2019, so I did, two years later.\u201d<\/p>\n

As it turned out, Shantal\u2019s timing was fortunate. She found out during initial medical tests that she had low ovarian reserve \u2014 an issue that would\u2019ve impacted her chances of falling pregnant if she had waited another 10 years.<\/p>\n

This raises another important issue: while dating apps will happily let you swipe forevermore, the biological window is not so generous. Studies show that fertility in most women starts to decline in their 30s, with a more noticeable impact from age 35. Which is why for some solo mums, it\u2019s the timing that\u2019s important.<\/p>\n

Getting pregnant<\/h1>\n

So, how does it work? First you need to choose a sperm donor. Every clinic does it differently, but you\u2019ll usually get access to a database of anonymous donor profiles that covers everything, from physical attributes and medical history to personality traits and academic qualifications.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re planning ahead, it\u2019s worth factoring in the possible wait time on sperm. Some women sit on the waiting list for months before they can even access the donor database. Once that\u2019s settled, there are two common methods for actually falling pregnant:<\/p>\n

Intrauterine insemination<\/strong> (IUI)<\/strong> is the simpler and less-invasive option. Donor sperm is inserted directly into the uterus. It\u2019s generally less expensive than IVF and you can often even head straight back to work after the procedure is done.<\/p>\n

In vitro fertilisation (IVF)<\/strong> is more involved. First you need to take fertility medications to increase your egg production, and then the eggs are taken out and injected with donor sperm in a laboratory. The resulting embryo is transferred back to your uterus a few days later.<\/p>\n

Getting pregnant via either route is by no means easy and isn\u2019t guaranteed to work. Every woman\u2019s experience is different. Shantal was very lucky the first time around as her eldest daughter came about after just one attempt of IUI. Her second pregnancy took over 12 months and multiple rounds of IUI and IVF. Lauren also spent almost 12 months trying to conceive. Both women spent many thousands of dollars in the process.<\/p>\n

Despite the challenges and the cost, you\u2019d be hard-pressed to find a mum with any regrets about going through it when they get those two knowing lines on the pregnancy test.<\/p>\n

\u201cI decided to test that morning and it was positive. I burst into tears and I cried and I cried. It was an amazing moment,\u201d shares Lauren on discovering she was finally pregnant.<\/p>\n

The support network<\/h1>\n

You can\u2019t do everything on your own. Even the women who choose to parent without a partner know you need loved ones around to share the good times and the bad \u2014 whether that\u2019s crying down the phone because your hormones are running havoc or screaming with glee at a positive pregnancy test.<\/p>\n

\u201cI like to use the phrase \u2018I\u2019m not parenting alone, I\u2019m just parenting not in a romantic relationship\u2019 \u2014 I\u2019ve never felt like I\u2019ve been alone because my support network is fantastic,\u201d says Lauren. She encourages all women to establish that network early.<\/p>\n

Of course, that support network doesn\u2019t have to include only family and friends. Some solo mums find the extra support from a doula to be useful, especially when preparing for childbirth.<\/p>\n

Danae Cappelletto is a specialised birth doula, who understands the solo mother experience better than most, having supported single women through childbirth and because she has friends who have taken this path too. \u201cYou can do it, you absolutely can. I\u2019ve seen women do it. They\u2019ve thrived,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

When it comes to supporting single mothers versus couples, Danae admits the process doesn\u2019t change much from her perspective. \u201cHaving a partner is beautiful and wonderful for the women who want that. But for women who don\u2019t, it\u2019s cool man, you just work with the woman and help her birth powerfully so she can go into motherhood powerfully. It makes no difference to my approach.\u201d<\/p>\n

The reality of solo parenting<\/h1>\n

A quick scroll through Instagram (#solomumbychoice) and you\u2019ll see countless solo mums rocking mum buns, snuggling up for selfies, rejoicing in their offspring\u2019s milestones and, well, living typical life as a parent. Because outside of how they bring their children into the world, they\u2019re no different to any other family.<\/p>\n

Of course, there are the hard days, as there are for every parent (partnered or not). Granted, certain things will always be more challenging when you\u2019re the sole carer. But it doesn\u2019t stop you from being a great mum. Nor does it stop you from achieving amazing things in life. Shantal plans on going back to university to study midwifery when her kids are in school. And Lauren is looking forward to one day taking her daughter travelling.<\/p>\n

So if you feel strongly drawn to motherhood and think you\u2019re ready, don\u2019t let the absence of \u201cMr or Mrs Right\u201d stop you. Any solo mum will tell you it\u2019s not an easy path to take, but it is worth it.<\/p>\n

Things to consider<\/h2>\n
    \n
  • How will I manage the extra costs on my own?<\/li>\n
  • Can I cope emotionally with the rollercoaster of trying to fall pregnant?<\/li>\n
  • Is there someone to support me through pregnancy and labour?<\/li>\n
  • Who will take care of my baby if I\u2019m unwell?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

    Lauren Furey is a freelance writer who spends her days hauling two small children around on a bike. She enjoys tea, recycling and talking to strangers.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Do you really need to wait around for a partner to have a baby? We explore the trend of solo parenting and talk to the young women taking motherhood into their own hands.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":1340,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[98,99,97],"tags":[345,292,127,312,128,346],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1339"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/14"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1339"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1339\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1343,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1339\/revisions\/1343"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1340"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1339"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1339"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1339"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}