endometriosis<\/a> or polycystic ovary syndrome. Often multiple causes contribute to the pain, which makes it difficult to diagnose and treat.<\/p>\nThis was the case for Emilie White*, who decided to save her virginity until marriage. Years of hype and patiently waiting ended in bitter disappointment when she arrived at her honeymoon destination only to discover it was physically impossible to have sex. She was eventually diagnosed with both endometriosis and vulvodynia. The road to recovery for Emilie included a painful surgery and months of pelvic floor physiotherapy.<\/p>\n
Little problem, big issues<\/h2>\n
A bit of pain with penetration may seem insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but the reality is that it can impact a person\u2019s life in more ways than one. Emilie\u2019s marriage was not just under physical and emotional strain; her surgery left them nearly bankrupt. \u201cIt was a mountain of problems that continued to build up, one after the other,\u201d she recalls. \u201cI was a wreck. I was in tears daily; I couldn\u2019t concentrate at work \u2026 it just impacted everything else in my life and left me feeling like a failure.\u201d<\/p>\n
These challenges can look different for singles. As if navigating the dating scene wasn\u2019t hard enough already, Lauren Herold\u2019s* condition made it all the more difficult to spark and sustain a connection. She relied heavily on alcohol to pluck up the courage to go home with someone and even then she rarely felt positive about the experience. \u201cI used to have one-night stands that would always end up with me being really uncomfortable \u2026 people who want a one-night stand do have a fixed idea about how it\u2019s going to end.\u201d<\/p>\n
Limiting beliefs<\/h2>\n
The idea that penetration is the \u201cend goal\u201d of sex is one we\u2019ve inherited from our sex education, says pleasure coach Euphemia Russell. It\u2019s not hard to see why. Cast your mind back to your Year Six classroom watching crude cartoons about sperm madly racing for the egg on a wheel-out TV. It was all about penetration for the purpose of reproduction, taught with the assumption that sex always happens between a man with a penis and a woman with a vagina.<\/p>\n
And it\u2019s not just in our sex education. It\u2019s everywhere \u2014 in the shows and movies we watch, the books we read, the conversations we have with our friends. \u201cWe didn\u2019t have sex, but we did everything else\u201d is a comment I\u2019ve heard thrown around many times. However, Euphemia says the belief that \u201ceverything else\u201d only counts as \u201csex\u201d if it includes penetration is something that we all need to unlearn.<\/p>\n
Communication is key<\/h2>\n
Unlearning inherited beliefs about sex is something Lauren has managed to do. Once her condition had a name, everything changed. Instead of dreading sex and avoiding relationships, her vaginismus diagnosis empowered her to explore sex in new ways. \u201cIt made me realise that my experiences are more common than I think,\u201d she says, \u201cand that it\u2019s not a barrier.\u201d Openly communicating with her sexual partners about what she enjoyed removed the anxiety she once felt when engaging in intimacy.<\/p>\n
It seems Elvis had it all wrong; what we really need is a little more conversation before a little more action. Discussions about our desires and boundaries are crucial but often lacking during sex, according to sexologist Nadine Atia. \u201cWe need to have conversations about what we can and can\u2019t do before we have sex. And that\u2019s not seen in films, it\u2019s not seen in pornography enough and it\u2019s not seen in mainstream media.\u201d<\/p>\n
Pleasure is health<\/h2>\n
Trying to untangle your sense of self-worth from society\u2019s web of sexual expectations is a tough gig. For some, it\u2019s easier to avoid sex altogether. But the experts agree that this process of unlearning, rediscovering your sexual self and inviting in pleasure is worth it.<\/p>\n
Euphemia insists pleasure is a part of health. It boosts our immune system and connects us to our embodiment, which helps us to know ourselves a little deeper. \u201cIt\u2019s not just about having a good sex life. It\u2019s about how you feel truly autonomous and informed about the way you want to move through the world.\u201d A lack of pleasure and disconnection from your sexual self can also cause a decline in mental health, adds Nadine.<\/p>\n
She\u2019s right. I\u2019ve had some dark moments over the years. I\u2019ve been disappointed each time a new drug or form of therapy didn\u2019t turn out to be the magic cure. But I\u2019ve come to terms with the fact that I may never find one, and I\u2019m okay with that. I\u2019m focused on exploring the things that make me feel good rather than forcing the things that don\u2019t. I\u2019ve learned a simple truth: there\u2019s more than one way to have sex.<\/p>\n
Reclaim your sexual space with tips from the sexperts<\/h2>\n\n- Unlearning limiting beliefs<\/strong> is a key piece in the puzzle, but Euphemia notes that not everything you\u2019ve learned may be \u201cbad\u201d. Some key questions to consider are: What have you inherited? Do you believe it? Does it actually suit you?<\/li>\n
- When it comes to exploring non-penetrative sex, Nadine encourages \u201cconsensual curiosity\u201d<\/strong>. It could include sensual massage, erotic dance, sensory play, role play, mutual masturbation, breathwork \u2026 the list goes on. \u201cKink is actually amazingly accessible in many ways because it\u2019s very little about penetration and it\u2019s very little about genitals,\u201d agrees Euphemia.<\/li>\n
- Open communication<\/strong> is vital and can be harder for singles. Nadine recommends doing some solo discovery until you feel comfortable engaging with a partner.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
*Some names have been changed for the privacy of individuals interviewed.<\/em><\/p>\nAshleigh Hobson is a Melbourne-based freelance writer. When she\u2019s not traipsing the globe or hanging out with her cats, she writes about travel, health, and lessons learned while stumbling through her 20s.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"We all know love hurts, but sometimes, sex can too. We explore the impacts of painful penetration and the importance of discovering the things that bring you pleasure.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":36,"featured_media":1560,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[97,73],"tags":[143,285,124,153,134],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1559"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/36"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1559"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1559\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1561,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1559\/revisions\/1561"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1560"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1559"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1559"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1559"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}