{"id":1584,"date":"2021-06-16T11:35:23","date_gmt":"2021-06-16T01:35:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/?p=1584"},"modified":"2021-06-16T11:35:23","modified_gmt":"2021-06-16T01:35:23","slug":"what-is-toxic-perfectionism","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/what-is-toxic-perfectionism","title":{"rendered":"Ever heard of toxic perfectionism? Here’s how to detoxify your life"},"content":{"rendered":"

If you, like me, are a perfectionist, you probably found 2020 to be the most challenging, anxiety-ridden<\/a> and paralysing year of your life. Navigating your early 20s is difficult enough; add a global pandemic, the feeling that the world is moving forward while you\u2019re at a complete standstill, and the most competitive job market imaginable, and you\u2019ve got a perfectionist\u2019s nightmare.<\/p>\n

You can feel yourself losing control. The \u201cwhat if\u201d scenarios begin to take over and suddenly your life is being governed by an intense obsession to master a new skill, write the perfect blog, keep the momentum going no matter what. Self-doubt feeds on your insecurities. The pursuit of perfection is diminished to a mere cycle of avoiding failures. Cue: an internal battle between tasks that need doing, planning and re-planning your approach hundreds of times, and still feeling like it isn\u2019t quite good enough.<\/p>\n

Being a perfectionist is generally thought of as an advantage \u2014 but we often forget the toxicity that perfectionism can breed. \u201cPerfectionism often exists hand in hand with anxiety. In the face of uncertainty, trying to make things \u2018perfect\u2019 offers us a semblance of control,\u201d explains Dr. Mary Hoang, author of Darkness is Golden<\/em> and founder and head psychologist of The Indigo Project<\/a>.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe can often engage in perfectionistic behaviours to try to ward off uncomfortable feelings of anxiety and uncertainty, but unfortunately it\u2019s not an effective strategy and usually just results in the continuous corrosion of our self-esteem and sense of self-worth.\u201d<\/p>\n

So, what actually is perfectionism?<\/h2>\n

Dr. Hoang defines perfectionism as \u201ca mindset which demands that everything you do (or attempt to do) must be perfect, flawless or without fault\u201d. But it\u2019s a fact of life that nothing is ever really \u201cperfect\u201d, so this mindset often traps us in a cyclical state of panic, self-deprecation and anxiety.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you have internalised a perfectionist self-dialogue, you might experience shame when unable to perform to a certain standard, feel paralysed in the face of new tasks or challenges, procrastinate like a champ, and tie up your sense of self-worth in your external accomplishments,\u201d Dr. Hoang says.<\/p>\n

But perfectionism is not to be confused with high-achieving behaviour or obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). External accomplishments are a separate ballgame to the mindset of perfectionism. And OCD is an anxiety disorder that \u201cis more about the inner battle with obtrusive thoughts that lead someone to perform obsessive and compulsive behaviours in order to try to banish or ease distressing thoughts\u201d, explains Dr. Hoang.<\/p>\n

Perfectionism and society<\/h2>\n

In a 1991 study, psychologists Hewitt and Flett identified three types of perfectionism: self-oriented perfectionism driven by your own impossibly high standards that can lead to optimised motivation, productivity and success; other-oriented perfectionism holding others to high standards, being overly critical and struggling to delegate work \u2014 whether that be in your career or in a relationship; and socially prescribed perfectionism that stems from a sense of urgency and pressure to be perfect in everything you do, leading to performance anxiety, questioning your self-worth, and an obsession of not being good enough.<\/p>\n

For so many of us, failure is not an option, but the overwhelming anxiety of maintaining a stable job, relationship, financial wellbeing, social life, Instagram feed \u2014 the list goes on \u2014 sparks a sense of failure that, ironically, often leads to a decline in quality of these aspects of our lives.<\/p>\n

This unspoken pressure for young people to \u201chave it all\u201d is only exacerbated by social media. \u201cIt\u2019s easy to fall into the mindset of \u2018failing\u2019 or being \u2018behind in life\u2019 when you don\u2019t have all the goalpost achievements to show off in your latest Instagram posts. The reality is that us humans live messy and complex lives,\u201d says Dr. Hoang.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019re forced to face unexpected obstacles and adversity, maybe things that used to fulfil us don\u2019t anymore, or there is so much we want to achieve that we feel overwhelmed at the prospect of moving towards it,\u201d she shares. \u201cThis is all incredibly human and the best thing we can do is acknowledge the feelings that come up in the face of these struggles and challenges. We don\u2019t need to combat these feelings, but rather acknowledge them, be with them, and maybe \u2014 with a less hostile relationship towards our feelings \u2014 we can see what they\u2019re trying to tell us about ourselves and our needs.<\/p>\n

The antidote to perfectionism<\/h2>\n

The first step in detoxifying perfectionism is to understand how perfectionism is impacting, or in some cases (like mine), dictating your life. The next step is confronting your fear of failure, and therefore, your perfectionism. \u201cFeel the fear, and do it anyway,\u201d quotes Dr. Hoang.<\/p>\n

Each of us has our own definition of \u201cfailure\u201d. For some it\u2019s feeling as though our relationship isn\u2019t benefiting us anymore, but not wanting the time we put in to be a waste we stay, and it becomes toxic. The same goes for jobs, friendships, values, life goals. It can be hard to let go, to challenge ourselves to take a different approach \u2014 one that often involves what we perceive as failing. But the fact is, we need to \u201cfail\u201d in order to grow.<\/p>\n

\u201cBegin to challenge the notion that nothing is worth doing unless it\u2019s done \u2018perfectly\u2019,\u201d Dr. Hoang says. \u201cSometimes things are worth doing out of curiosity and play, to develop a new skill, or to nurture the mindset that you can fail or mess up at something and that\u2019s not the end of the world. It\u2019s human to make mistakes and it builds resilience when we do and we find out we can rise in the wake of them.\u201d<\/p>\n

It takes a lot of resilience \u2014 but if 2020 taught us anything, it\u2019s just that.<\/p>\n

Georgia Nelson is a journalist based on the South Coast of NSW and the features writer at WellBeing and WILD. She has a penchant for sustainable beauty, slow fashion and feminist literature. Find her on Instagram @geo_rose<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Perfectionism is on the rise \u2014 but that\u2019s not necessarily a good thing. We speak to psychologist Dr. Mary Hoang about the downfalls of perfectionism, and how to reframe your mindset.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":23,"featured_media":1585,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[78,73],"tags":[162,129,421,146],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1584"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/23"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1584"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1584\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1586,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1584\/revisions\/1586"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1585"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1584"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1584"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1584"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}