{"id":2184,"date":"2022-06-20T15:09:41","date_gmt":"2022-06-20T05:09:41","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/?p=2184"},"modified":"2022-06-22T16:17:46","modified_gmt":"2022-06-22T06:17:46","slug":"setting-boundaries-for-existing-and-future-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/setting-boundaries-for-existing-and-future-relationships","title":{"rendered":"Setting boundaries for existing and future relationships"},"content":{"rendered":"

From a young age, I was taught everyone else’s needs came before mine. My mother was very emotionally fragile, and as an only child in a single-parent household, I assumed responsibility for tasks such as replacing appliances that broke down with my own money, and dealing with government agencies on her behalf when she couldn’t cope. This left me anxious<\/a>, frustrated, lacking in self-esteem, and only willing to take a stand in defence of other people and not myself.<\/span><\/p>\n

Healing this fraught relationship with myself has meant letting go of unreasonable expectations and learning to ask for what I want and to say no when it\u2019s necessary. It sounds simple, but speaking up and setting boundaries is tricky to execute when you feel like you’re not enough. Perhaps you feel taken advantage of but worry about losing friends if you\u2019re frank about your feelings, or you\u2019re not getting what you need from a relationship, but fear the judgement of others if you were to communicate your needs.<\/span><\/p>\n

Calmly voicing what you need is a vital skill to building and keeping healthy relationships, says psychiatrist Dr Frank Chow. \u201cIn every relationship, whether it\u2019s with your partner, parents, friends, children or colleagues, there\u2019s always compromise and give and take,\u201d he says. \u201cCommunicating boundaries to others in a mature and respectable manner, without judgement or being emotionally charged, is vital to the future of your relationship.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The key is balance. On the one hand, we might be tempted to give too much of ourselves, but on the other, we can set boundaries that are too harsh and fall into controlling others, rather than co-existing with them. It\u2019s worth setting your expectations early in a new relationship and reaching an agreement of sorts to give yourself the best chance of smoother sailing down the line.<\/span><\/p>\n

In existing relationships, it takes conscious effort to reset what\u2019s not working for you when expectations and patterns have become worn. It\u2019s certainly possible to reorient yourself and others, though, I\u2019ve found.<\/span><\/p>\n

Gradually, I’ve acquired the ability to maintain my boundaries when people try to stomp on them. I can now say “no” politely but firmly, even in the face of challenging people who fray every nerve you have. I\u2019ve also been mindful of my tendency to leave my wants and needs unspoken, noticing when this happens and giving voice to them more often, particularly when the setting is friendly and the stakes are low.<\/span><\/p>\n

Instead of phrasing my preferences as a question, I have practised gently articulating what I truly want. After a tough day, for example, I might be desperate to order a pizza and collapse on the couch in the evening. Previously, I would pose this as an open question to my husband: \u201cWhat would you like for dinner?\u201d and he might respond with \u201cI\u2019d love you to cook your spaghetti.\u201d Miffed that he hadn\u2019t magically read my mind, I might then suggest what I really wanted and he\u2019d get huffy that I hadn\u2019t listened to him. Things now go much more smoothly when I simply state \u201cHow about we order pizza for dinner?\u201d from the get-go.<\/span><\/p>\n

Other tricks I’ve discovered along the way include a collection of confidence-boosting mantras I have saved on my phone, remembering that walking away from a frustrating conversation is a valid option, instead of getting angry or backing down, and regular reminders that it’s not my responsibility to solve every problem in the universe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe all have areas of our lives where our boundaries are strong and clear and others where they\u2019re weaker, usually where we feel we have more to lose,\u201d says coach, speaker, teacher and founder of Better Boundaries, Claire Nettley. Claire says there are six categories of boundaries in our lives \u2014 physical (such as rest and personal space), intellectual (your thoughts and opinions), emotional, sexual (including consent and preferences), spiritual and material (time, money and energy).<\/span><\/p>\n

You are allowed to have needs in these various realms, and protect yourself from unwanted encroachment from others, particularly in the areas most important to you. \u201cBoundaries are guidelines, standards and limits for our own behaviour and what we will and won\u2019t tolerate in all our relationships,\u201d says Claire. \u201cThey empower us to live authentically, pursue a life that has meaning to us and limit our exposure to people, places and things that don\u2019t serve us or our wellbeing.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Not only is this not selfish, sometimes it can be a matter of safeguarding our physical safety and sanity. Consistency is often key in setting boundaries, particularly with difficult individuals. If you let rules slide once, they’ll often expect the same next time round. \u201cIf you set consequences, make sure you enforce them,\u201d says Claire. \u201cFor example, \u2018If you continue to talk over the top of me, I\u2019m ending this conversation\u2019 and then doing it. One of the biggest mistakes people make with boundaries is hoping the other person will change, but when we bring our focus in-house and change our own behaviour, miraculous things happen.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Also be mindful of the urge to over-explain and justify your boundary when others are testing it. The more information you offer someone, the more chance they have to argue their way around your reasons. Don\u2019t give them that option. Stay clear, concise, polite, firm and consistent for best results.<\/span><\/p>\n

In a work setting, navigating boundary-setting can feel tricky when we\u2019re encouraged to have a \u201ccan-do\u201d attitude, not to mention the increasingly blurred lines between our jobs and personal lives in this new work-from-home era. Marking out a dedicated clutter-free workspace at home, maintaining a routine, and using technological tools to keep you from checking your email out-of-hours can work wonders.<\/span><\/p>\n

Women tend to find boundary-setting more difficult than men. They are disproportionately assigned caring functions in and outside of the home, which has led to societal expectations that women are self-sacrificing and compliant, says clinical psychologist Dr Lillian Nejad.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWomen have historically been socialised to be accommodating and helpful, praised when they are pleasing others and criticised or punished for asserting their needs and wants,\u201d says Dr Lillian. \u201cThis has led to the belief that saying no, setting boundaries or asserting yourself is wrong or selfish.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The research backs up claims that women are typecast in the role of people-pleasing. A 2010 study on unhealthy lifestyle habits found 54 per cent of female participants struggled with this type of behaviour compared with 40 per cent of the male participants, with accompanying consequences for their physical and mental health.<\/span><\/p>\n

If you\u2019re a recovering people-pleaser, the journey to growing your shiny spine is sometimes one of reflecting on what you might have said after the opportunity has escaped you so that you can do better next time. Claire encourages clients to journal when they notice their boundaries being violated, how it feels, and what they could have said in the moment, but didn\u2019t. This way, if they encounter a similar situation in the future, they\u2019re ready. Knowing yourself, your past mishaps, and the reasons for your boundaries allows you to improve future outcomes.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIf you are struggling to set boundaries, reflect on why to gain awareness about your behaviour,\u201d says Dr Lillian. \u201cIs it to avoid conflict or keep yourself safe? Do you fear being disliked or abandoned, or are you having trouble because you never learned how to have this kind of conversation? Once you know what\u2019s behind it, you can do something about it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

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Phrases to keep in your pocket<\/b><\/p>\n

Dr Lillian Nejad recommends practising some of these phrases for exerting space around yourself and expressing your needs.<\/span><\/p>\n