{"id":2262,"date":"2022-06-28T10:42:50","date_gmt":"2022-06-28T00:42:50","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/?p=2262"},"modified":"2022-06-28T10:42:50","modified_gmt":"2022-06-28T00:42:50","slug":"getting-your-kink-on","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/getting-your-kink-on","title":{"rendered":"Getting your kink on"},"content":{"rendered":"

When you think \u201ckink\u201d, what comes to mind? Likely it\u2019s whips, bondage and dominatrixes. Or perhaps it\u2019s a role play of sorts. For those who are unfamiliar with the world of kink, the term tends to be black and white \u2014 you\u2019re either having \u201cnormal\u201d sex or you\u2019re not. But the sex-positivity movement has paved the way for a better understanding and acceptance of kink, allowing people to explore and experiment with sex.<\/span><\/p>\n

While the pandemic and subsequent lockdowns made casual IRL sex impossible, it also forced many people to reassess their sex lives and made way for a new wave of kinksters to embrace their sexual preferences. A September 2020 report by a kinky dating app, KinkD, found a 39.2 per cent increase in average monthly active users, and a 51.6 per cent increase in the average daily time spent by US-based users since March. For the kink-curious, the online community became a safe, fun haven where they could meet like-minded beings and unlearn harmful myths around sex, sexuality and kink.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI think we often put kink into this \u2018alternative\u2019 box \u2026 maybe it\u2019s something a bit weird for you or left of centre from what you\u2019re used to, but it’s not at all weird for me,\u201d says sexologist and author of <\/span>Big Pussy Energy<\/span><\/i> Vanessa Muradian. The very idea that there is a \u201cnormal\u201d way to be intimate or express yourself sexually is a damaging mindset in and of itself.<\/span><\/p>\n

We have been raised in a world where sex is monogamous and penetrative. Even within the bounds of \u201cnormality\u201d as we know it, there is a general sex-negative mindset. The <\/span>Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Volume 5<\/span><\/i> (aka the DSM 5) categorises fetishes, masochism and sadism as a disorder. But thanks to sex-positive educators and influencers, kink is being destigmatised.<\/span><\/p>\n

How do we define kink? According to psychosexual therapist and self-proclaimed sex geek, Arlyn Owens, kink is \u201can umbrella term, which encompasses fetish, BDSM and any sort of activities that might come under those smaller umbrellas\u201d. Often, BDSM and fetish cross over; someone with a bondage kink, for example, might also have a leather fetish and dress in leather lingerie or prefer to be tied up in leather. But you can have a fetish without being into kink and vice versa.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cA fetish is an ingredient of your sexual expression, and for some people it\u2019s essential to be aroused and to find sexual pleasure,\u201d Arlyn explains. \u201cI love working with fetishists. There’s an indulgence in exploring these sensory experiences. And if you’re not hurting anyone and you’re doing it safely, why not?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Exploring kinks and fetishes is important when it comes to discovering your desire and sexuality, and breaking down the confines surrounding sex as we know it. Kinksters often explore their preferences outside the bounds of normative sex, playing with senses and mind. For some, sex may not even involve any touching or penetration. According to Arlyn, we can all learn something from this sexual exploration; \u201cRegardless of whether it\u2019s kinky play or not, and aside from communication skill, this type of curiosity and openness is essential to better sex.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

For Vanessa, kink has become a way to explore and embrace her sexuality beyond the male gaze that many with femme bodies associate with sex. \u201cThere’s so much pleasure in body exploration and discovering that sex and sexuality are not limited to the script of hands on boobs, hands down pants, oral sex and penetrative sex,\u201d says Vanessa. \u201cSex and erotica can be anything that turns you on, that arouses you, that connects you to yourself.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Destigmatising kink<\/b><\/p>\n

When <\/span>50 Shades of Grey<\/span><\/i> went viral, it laid the foundation for enthusiastic kink newbies to experiment in their sex lives. But this franchise, along with most pop-culture depictions of kink, offers a very limited insight into kink. According to Arlyn, pop culture doesn\u2019t show good consent and quite often portrays participants as damaged and powerless, which only adds to the stigma, stereotyping and lack of understanding of the kink community and culture.<\/span><\/p>\n

But there is a lot we can learn about consent from kink. Experienced kinksters will tell you that kink is all about consensual power exchange and all parties have agency and the right to withdraw consent at any time. Play usually begins with an in-depth conversation about what is expected, each person\u2019s limits and the nominated safe word. Play can get quite intense, so the safe word will be something unmistakable and out of context, which, when spoken, alerts both parties that it is time to stop.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe know now that \u2018no means no\u2019 is not enough when it comes to consent,\u201d Arlyn explains. \u201cIn the case of consensual non-consent, which is something people engage in within kink, saying \u2018no\u2019 and screaming or struggling might be arousing for one or all people. We need to know how we are going to communicate consent if yes and no don’t apply to the scene \u2026 I think everyone should have a safe word, whether they’re domming or subbing.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Arlyn explains that there are three primary acronyms the kink community prioritises during play or \u201cscenes\u201d:<\/span><\/p>\n