I am clinging to a rock wall in the Blue Mountains, tears streaming down my face. You might think my distress comes from a fear of falling 20 metres down the cliff-face (though my sturdy safety equipment promises otherwise). In truth, my panic-stricken sobs come from a deep disappointment in myself; I don\u2019t know if I can climb any further.<\/p>\n
Full disclaimer: I am not an experienced rock climber. Earlier this year, I joined my boyfriend and his friends on their annual climbing trip to the Blue Mountains to \u201cgive it a go\u201d. But it turns out these climbs are not designed for first timers, no matter how determined you might be. As I gripped the sandstone and looked up at the challenging problem, I realised I didn\u2019t have the strength nor skillset to reach the top of the climb. A deep sense of failure washed over me.<\/p>\n
I wasn\u2019t good enough.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve just relayed this anecdote over Zoom to Katie O\u2019Donoghue, relationships coach and inner child specialist at The Indigo Project, after she asked me to share a recent challenge I had experienced and how it affected me emotionally. Once I wrapped up my story, Katie caught onto that last phrase \u2014 \u201cI wasn\u2019t good enough\u201d \u2014 and probed a little deeper. Eventually, we discovered<\/p>\n
I learnt this belief in my early years and it has since shaped my fear of failure and tendency for perfectionism as an adult. My reaction to perceived failure as a 24-year-old was the direct result of an inner child wound.<\/p>\n
\u201cEach of us has a child within, a younger version of ourselves who created our core material. This includes our earliest beliefs and feelings about ourselves, others and the world around us,\u201d says Katie. \u201cMany of your beliefs emerge from interactions with your caregivers in the first few years of life. Unless you explore your core material, everything in life will get filtered through it and you\u2019ll keep repeating patterns that are wired deep in your subconscious mind.\u201d<\/p>\n
For most people, childhood consists of both positive and negative experiences, which help to cultivate your character. But if an event from your developmental years negatively affected you, you might continue to carry this emotional wound and attached belief into your adult life. These inner child wounds can cause you to revert to the familiar behaviour patterns you used as a child, showing up whenever you feel distressed, pressured or overwhelmed. In my case, I resorted to crying as a form of releasing my frustration.<\/p>\n
\u201cSince it was your inner child who formed your core material \u2014 which consists of early beliefs, fears, desires, feelings, ways of relating to others and more \u2014 the best way to change that core material is by going back to revisit those early experiences and becoming conscious of the connections they have to your present-day life,\u201d Katie clarifies. \u201cBy doing this, you can change your way of relating in the present, to yourself and to others. Equally, this means realising you are responsible for yourself as an adult \u2014 for managing your feelings and needs and realising that others have that same privilege too.\u201d<\/p>\n
When Katie probed deeper into my feelings of inadequacy, she asked challenging questions that pushed me to unearth where my perfectionism stemmed from. When did you first feel like you had to do a \u201cgood enough\u201d job? Vivid memories of tiny black jazz shoes, sequinned leotards, the familiar rattle of a hairspray can and bright stage lights came to mind. My parents enrolled me in my local dance studio when<\/p>\n
I was just three years old and dance has been an integral and beautiful part of my life ever since. But frequent concerts and
\ndance examinations also created the ingrained belief that one wrong foot (literally) could mean failure. And when I did make a mistake onstage or couldn\u2019t master a move in class, I remember feeling a deep sense of embarrassment, guilt at letting down my classmates and disappointment in my ineptitudes.<\/p>\n
Whenever I experience a similar situation as an adult, such as facing the mental and physical struggle of rock climbing, my inner child comes out to play. \u201cYou develop a survival strategy to protect yourself from similar situations in the future and that\u2019s how this all manifests,\u201d Katie explains. \u201cWe forget about the experience, but because the beliefs and fears are still lying in our subconscious,\u00a0we carry them through our daily life as an adult. We don\u2019t know why we can\u2019t speak up or make choices, and it\u2019s because of maybe one experience that you went through in your childhood that created a belief within you. This belief is then strengthened by similar experiences as you grow up. So, inner child work is all about connecting the dots.\u201d<\/p>\n
Over the course of our Zoom call, Katie charts my present-day challenges and links them back to specific moments in my youth. For instance, my tendency to people please arises from a stint of playground bullying, where I learnt that speaking up and protecting myself in a moment of conflict only leads to feelings of discomfort and fear. What\u2019s more, Katie helps me realise that my inability to make the simplest of decisions comes from my perfectionism, as I often agonise about making the wrong choice and, therefore, making a mistake. Slowly, connections began to materialise, creating a complete image, like a \u201cjoin the dots\u201d picture that slowly reveals itself.<\/p>\n
Once we have uncovered my inner child wounds, the session\u2019s focus shifts to healing. According to Katie, there are three distinct ways to begin nurturing your inner child.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe more you reject yourself, the more exhausted you will become. Self-acceptance is about accepting all parts of you \u2014 your feelings, your needs and your desires. It\u2019s about understanding that you will have parts of yourself that are difficult or feel embarrassing, but those are the parts that need all the more love and care,\u201d says Katie. \u201cIt\u2019s about seeing yourself as fully human and letting go of the inner voice that learnt how to shame and criticise the self.\u201d<\/p>\n
There is an abundance of nourishing ways to bring self-acceptance into your daily life. Start by carving out time to meditate once a day by settling down with a 10-minute guided meditation that inspires positivity and self-awareness. Keeping a gratitude journal is another beneficial\u00a0way to incorporate self-acceptance, as is\u00a0surrounding yourself with a strong support system and dedicating time to\u00a0relaxing with your partner, close friends\u00a0or family.<\/p>\n
\u201cGive yourself permission to do the things that you enjoyed in your earlier years. Just because you are an adult now does not mean that you need to let go of your passions or favourite hobbies. What brought you joy? What made you feel good? Once you find those answers, go do more of that,\u201d Katie advises.<\/p>\n