As our lives become more and more entangled with our digital personas, it makes sense that\u00a0a whole new world of online social behaviour is cropping up. Over the past few years, we\u2019ve cycled through the dating concepts of ghosting, catfishing and benching, while dealing with roaching and email phishing in the workplace. But there\u2019s a new contender on the rise and it applies to every social domain, from the illusive world of dating to friendships and careers.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s called breadcrumbing and it\u2019s everywhere. When someone breadcrumbs you, they string you along by feigning interest in you \u2014 whether as a romantic partner, future employee or close friend. They\u2019ll drop small crumbs of attention in the form of an email, date idea or social media interaction without committing to you or your plans. This tantalising trail keeps you hot on the heels of the breadcrumber, even though they have no intention of maintaining a real relationship with you. In other words, a breadcrumber is all talk, no action.<\/p>\n
Have you ever swiped right on a dating profile and found yourself in a flirtatious conversation that leads \u2026 nowhere? Days of drafting witty replies, scrolling through their pictures and tossing around hopeful date ideas can often end with an uncertain sizzle instead of that putt-putt golf stand-off you were promised \u2014 only to hear from your match again weeks later, without any explanation for their sudden disappearance. Katie O\u2019Donoghue, relationship coach at The Indigo Project, explains that this behaviour is widespread and normalised in online dating.<\/p>\n
\u201cThanks to technology, people have access to a new person at the swipe of a finger, and so it\u2019s almost too easy to keep multiple people interested at the one time, which might be their reason for breadcrumbing you,\u201d she explains.<\/p>\n
\u201cUnfortunately, breadcrumbing doesn\u2019t seem to be going away any time soon. It\u2019s important to understand that things only become problematic when the behaviours don\u2019t shift towards moving forward or improving the relationship. Having said that, healthy communication and understanding your own patterns of relating can be key for managing or avoiding breadcrumbing,\u201d O\u2019Donoghue says.<\/p>\n
So what are the signs to look out for? On the dating scene, for example, matches might keep their messages superficial and generic. You won\u2019t catch a breadcrumber revealing intimate details about themselves or asking probing questions in a bid to get to know you. Instead, a breadcrumber will imply that they\u2019d love to meet in person while ignoring your requests to make concrete plans.<\/p>\n
Breadcrumbing friends, on the other hand, might mention shared experiences and memories to reinforce a sense of connection, without making any efforts to catch up IRL. Over in the employment ring, your uncommitted boss or interviewer might keep you looking to the future with vague statements like \u201cLet\u2019s pencil that in\u201d rather than setting a specific meeting time. \u201cIt won\u2019t always be easy to spot, or to avoid a potential breadcrumber from the initial interaction,\u201d O\u2019Donoghue warns.
\nThese artful performances are not only inconvenient and time-wasting, but they\u00a0can also be psychologically damaging to the person on the receiving end.<\/p>\n
\u201cA lot of the time, this type of social behaviour can make someone question themselves, their judgement, their abilities, their lovability or their worthiness too,\u201d says O\u2019Donoghue. \u201cSometimes, the breadcrumber\u2019s behaviour can even rise to the level of psychological or emotional abuse \u2014 and that\u2019s why it is important to seek support if you have any doubts about the way that someone is treating you.\u201d<\/p>\n
When 52-year-old Michelle Egan* came to the realisation that she was being breadcrumbed by a childhood friend, she\u00a0felt as though she was \u201cbeing used\u201d and experienced a deep loneliness. \u201cOver\u00a0the course of our friendship, I gradually noticed\u00a0that this friend only contacted me when she needed something, such as a favour, a recipe or advice on an issue at work. Aside from these brief phone calls, she would take weeks to reply to a message or simply ignore my texts altogether,\u201d Egan says. \u201cI wasted so much time being upset\u00a0about\u00a0the\u00a0state of\u00a0our\u00a0friendship. But,\u201d she adds, \u201cI\u00a0don\u2019t think her behaviour was\u00a0intentional.\u201d<\/p>\n
There is an array of explanations for why people succumb to the harmful act of breadcrumbing. People who breadcrumb are often \u201cemotionally unavailable, confused about what they want or have never learned how to have a healthy relationship with another,\u201d O\u2019Donoghue explains. \u201cSometimes people can also end up doing it for an\u00a0ego boost \u2014 they want to feel desired and popular, and this can be due to their\u00a0own low self-worth or lack of self-love. They simply need people around them to validate\u00a0or prove to themselves that they are\u00a0desirable.\u201d<\/p>\n
What are the telltale signs of breadcrumbing?
\n1. Suggest that they\u2019d love to see you but ignore your attempts to set an actual time and place.
\n2. Won\u2019t reply to your messages for several weeks, before sending a series of texts without explaining why they suddenly stopped responding.
\n3. Communicate primarily with generic comments, photos, memes or emojis.
\n4. Keep you looking to the future with vague plans and statements like \u201cLet\u2019s catch up soon\u201d.
\n5. Create conversations that are superficial and non-specific to avoid revealing or learning personal details.
\n6. View, like or comment on your social media posts, while still ignoring messages you\u2019ve sent.<\/p>\n
In other cases, such as with financial planner, Ruby Williams*, a breadcrumber might see you as their backup plan. When the 26-year-old applied for a position with an advisory firm in late 2020, she didn\u2019t expect the application process to draw out for three\u00a0months. \u201cThe interviewer kept jumping\u00a0into my inbox with updates on my application, keeping my hopes high without ever letting me know when I\u2019d hear about a job offer,\u201d Williams says. \u201cEventually, I gave up and applied for another firm. I got the job within weeks.\u201d<\/p>\n
While Williams had the strength and foresight to cut ties with an exciting career opportunity, it can be challenging to give up on the prospect of a new job, friendship or romantic partner. When you\u2019re being breadcrumbed, you often feel a rush of dopamine, the feel-good chemical that influences your mood and conjures feelings of reward and motivation. Dopamine increases your appetite for more of whatever stimulus gave you the reward to begin with, such as a text from a friend or a heart reaction from a potential date.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen you first start dating someone, you feel a flood of feel-good chemicals that cause you to be blissfully in lust,\u201d explains O\u2019Donoghue, stating that another side effect of breadcrumbing is that it can trigger addictive behaviours. \u201cYou might feel exhilarated, have obsessive thoughts or even butterflies in your stomach \u2014 this is\u00a0a\u00a0mating\u00a0drive in a part of the reward system in your brain.<\/p>\n
\u201cIn these cases, the reward comes from the breadcrumber,\u201d O\u2019Donoghue adds. \u201cAnd it might be something as simple as a one-line text or a \u2018like\u2019 on a social post. So if you\u2019re wondering why you are scrolling over\u00a0their socials, or waiting for a text to come through, it could be because your dopamine cravings are giving you motivation to act in a way that will get you more of whatever it is that you need.\u201d The big\u00a0question is, how can you avoid falling into the trap?<\/p>\n
When you find yourself struggling to sustain someone\u2019s attention, time or love, take a step back and review your\u00a0relationship. If they\u2019re exhibiting signs of breadcrumbing, then stand up for yourself and initiate an open and honest conversation. Get specific about a date and time for a work-related meeting, or if a friend is taking advantage of you, call them out on their behaviour. But rather than simply pinning the blame elsewhere, it\u2019s also important to turn inwards and uncover what has enabled you to accept this kind of hurtful treatment.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe all need to take responsibility for our choices in life, and by doing this you\u00a0can take your power back from those who try to control, abuse or disempower you,\u201d says O\u2019Donoghue. \u201cThat isn\u2019t to excuse\u00a0or to justify their behaviours, because\u00a0there is no excuse for being\u00a0abusive or\u00a0manipulative toward another person.\u201d<\/p>\n
When dealing with a breadcrumber, remember to always put yourself first. After all, you deserve so much more than a couple of unsatisfying crumbs \u2026 you deserve the whole cake.<\/p>\n
Kayla Wratten is a Brisbane-based journalist. When her head isn\u2019t stuck in a good book, you\u2019ll find her on the yoga mat, in a dance class or writing inspiring stories. Find her on Instagram at @kaylawratten.<\/p>\n
*Names have been changed.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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