The Vulnerability Hangover<\/strong><\/p>\nIt\u2019s reassuring to know this experience is completely normal. Renowned storyteller and researcher, Dr Bren\u00e9 Brown, dubbed the phenomenon a \u201cvulnerability hangover\u201d.<\/p>\n
Characterised by feelings of shame, guilt, regret and fear, vulnerability hangovers usually occur in the aftermath of taking an emotional risk. Being vulnerable, in any way, often feels scary as we move away from a sense of psychological safety. It leaves us feeling exposed and at the mercy of how others may respond.<\/p>\n
In her TED talk on the subject, Dr Bren\u00e9 describes vulnerability hangovers as the \u201cmost accurate measure of courage\u201d, but they definitely don\u2019t feel courageous when they happen.<\/p>\n
To find out more, I caught up with Dr Jacqueline Baulch, a clinical psychologist and the director of Inner Melbourne Clinical Psychology (@melbpsych on Instagram), who has a particular interest in vulnerability, guilt and shame.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe had a team discussion about [vulnerability hangovers] recently, and it was clear it\u2019s such a universal human experience,\u201d says Jacqueline. People often think we have it all together as psychologists, but we experience the same vulnerabilities as everyone else.\u201d<\/p>\n
Jacqueline has noticed a distinct gendered aspect that surrounds feeling vulnerable. \u201cIf you\u2019re not from a dominant social group \u2014 if you\u2019re a woman or a person of colour \u2014 it can exacerbate what is a natural part of being human,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s valuable about Bren\u00e9 Brown\u2019s work in this area is it gives us a way to name and experience this process. There\u2019s something really powerful about that. It allows us to step into the moments of feeling courageous, fully aware and knowing we might experience these feelings of regret, shame or guilt. It doesn\u2019t mean the experience, what we\u2019ve shared or how we\u2019ve acted, wasn\u2019t valuable.\u201d<\/p>\n
The vulnerability cure<\/strong><\/p>\nRemoving the opportunity to be vulnerable means removing the chance to lean into what it means to be fully human. Finding proactive ways to accept the experience of vulnerability hangovers and shift our mindset from fear to courage could be the answer to embracing those uneasy feelings that follow vulnerability.<\/p>\n
Jacqueline shared three examples of how we might be able to begin to do this:<\/p>\n
Focus on self-compassion<\/strong><\/p>\nVulnerability hangovers often arise due to long-held beliefs about how we \u201cshould\u201d be; when we break those beliefs and share our true thoughts, feelings, dreams or fears, we risk being rejected by those around us.<\/p>\n
Not knowing how we\u2019ll be received and whether we\u2019ll be rejected by those we love and respect is a painful experience. Having self-compassion is an integral part of moving through this process.<\/p>\n
\u201cTrue self-compassion is incredibly difficult, and I\u2019m not saying you \u2018have to have\u2019 self-compassion to work through vulnerability, but being able to accept the experience as it presents itself while still holding compassion for who you are and what you\u2019re trying to achieve can help,\u201d says Jacqueline.<\/p>\n
Slow down<\/strong><\/p>\nIt\u2019s easy to get swept up in the initial buzz of taking an emotional risk, only to feel awful afterwards. Jacqueline says there\u2019s nothing wrong with slowing things down, being mindful of what you share and taking the time to think about what you want to say or do before diving in.<\/p>\n
Allowing yourself this time gives you the chance to mentally prepare for the full spectrum of the experience \u2014 good and bad \u2014 so you can go into it with a level head.<\/p>\n
Remembering the name \u201cvulnerability hangover\u201d is useful, too, according to Jacqueline: \u201cThrough naming the process, we can start to hold better expectations that sometimes we\u2019re not going to feel great afterwards. This can help us to accept our experience.\u201d<\/p>\n
Share with others<\/strong><\/p>\nAs Jacqueline found when she and her team discussed the topic, vulnerability hangovers are a natural \u2014 and essential \u2014 part of being human. Experiencing these feelings indicates that you\u2019re actively growing and can present beautiful opportunities to grow with others.<\/p>\n
Sharing with others can help reduce some of the core negative feelings associated with the hangover: \u201cShame thrives by sitting in the shadows. When we talk about it, we shine a light on it. Shame can\u2019t stay active when it\u2019s shared. Finding others who can relate and share their experiences with you is a great way to minimise the impact of a vulnerability hangover.\u201d<\/p>\n
Embrace your vulnerability<\/strong><\/p>\nBecause of the negative emotions that often surround our ideas (and experiences) of vulnerability, it\u2019s easy to get wrapped up in the thinking that it\u2019s something we need to avoid or combat.<\/p>\n
But vulnerability is an essential part of learning who we are. It\u2019s something to be cultivated with a balance of boldness and grace as we learn to value our needs and place in the world. I love Jacqueline\u2019s advice on how naming this experience can help us better prepare and accept it for what it is \u2014 so we can focus on all the good that comes from leaning into our vulnerable selves.<\/p>\n
Elaine is a psychologist-in-training and freelance writer, currently residing in Nipaluna (Hobart), Tasmania. She is fascinated by the ways we learn from our experiences to become more authentic versions ofourselves and the power of storytelling. You can find more of her words online at wordswithelaine.com<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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