{"id":386,"date":"2019-09-04T06:52:00","date_gmt":"2019-09-04T06:52:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/?p=386"},"modified":"2019-09-04T07:14:55","modified_gmt":"2019-09-04T07:14:55","slug":"its-time-to-change-your-self-talk","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/its-time-to-change-your-self-talk","title":{"rendered":"It\u2019s time to change your self-talk"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

\u201cIf a person gave away your body to some passer-by, you\u2019d be furious. Yet you hand over your mind to anyone who comes along so they may abuse you, leaving it disturbed and troubled. Have you no shame in that?\u201d \u2014 Epictetus<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

What makes you depressed or anxious or angry? Most would say it\u2019s what happens to you that determines how you feel. You were let go from your job today and are devastated. You were abused by a friend and feel angry and sad. You were ignored by your partner and feel rejected and abandoned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Many people,however, including psychologists, now recognise life events play only a small role in how you feel and behave. The real culprits are your pesky thoughts.It\u2019s not what happens to you but how you interpret and think about what happens to you that matters.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Many of our interpretations of events are distorted and this is where cognitive therapy comes in. Cognitive therapy is not about positive thinking. It\u2019s about rational<\/em> thinking. It\u2019s about learning to identify our interpretations of events, otherwise known as our self-talk,and then learning to challenge the self-talk by examining the cold hard evidence at hand. In effect, we are using our rational brain as a weapon to fight the distortions we are prone to in our everyday interpretations and thinking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The idea that our thoughts influence our feelings and behaviour<\/a> is not a new one. The Greek Stoic Philosopher, Epictitus, born 55 CE, famously once said, \u201cMen are disturbed not by things but by the view which they take of them.\u201d Two centuries later, American psychiatrist Aaron Beck founded the most highly researched and applied therapy of the 20th century based on this idea. Aaron called it cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Before developing CBT, Aaron worked for many years with depressed patients in the 1950s until he came to wonder if there was more he could do to help his patients. He came to suspect his patients were not revealing certain thoughts that they were only dimly aware of because they weren\u2019t taught to focus on them. So he began to check in on his patients\u2019 momentary thoughts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For instance, one anxious female patient was openly discussing her sexual conflicts, yet over along period he made no progress. One day, Aaron spontaneously asked her how she was feeling about what she had been discussing. She responded, \u201cI\u2019m not expressing myself clearly … he is bored with me … this sounds foolish …he\u2019ll probably try and get rid of me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He soon realised that her anxiety was not from her sexual conflicts but from her self-criticism and fear of being judged. He called these kinds of thoughts \u201cself-talk\u201d and said they are often not fully conscious but just below the surface and we have to train ourselves to focus on them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Catch that pesky self-talk<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes self-talk is obvious. For instance, you lock your keys in your car for the third time in a week and think, \u201cI\u2019m an idiot. In ever remember anything!\u201d Often, however, self-talk isn\u2019t so obvious. You simply just feel emotionally triggered. At these times you can ask yourself,\u201cWhat am I thinking right now?\u201d Then write out a stream of consciousness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, say a good friend at work doesn\u2019t say hello and appears to ignore you. You spend the morning feeling flat and worried but can\u2019t pinpoint why. So you write out your stream of consciousness:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cFran ignored me and is angry with me because I didn\u2019t make lunch last Friday.\u201d This is yourself-talk.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then you ask the following: Is this a fact or belief? Did Fran directly tell you she was annoyed with you? If the answer is no, then your self-talk is a belief, not a fact, so don\u2019t treat it like a fact. This is often the case. Even though self-talk might\u201cfeel\u201d like a fact, it doesn\u2019t mean it is. What\u2019s the evidence to support this self-talk?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is rational thinking, not positive thinking.<\/strong> So honestly explore whether there is any evidence to support the idea that Fran is annoyed with you. The answer might be yes \u2014 she sometimes calls on the weekend and she didn\u2019t last weekend.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Is there any evidence to support the idea Fran is not annoyed with you? Yes, she sent two work-related emails that seemed friendly. She also seems a bit withdrawn from everyone today and preoccupied. So maybe it\u2019s not about you at all?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Is there another possible way to view this situation? It\u2019s possible Fran simply didn\u2019t see me this morning. She might be distracted by a problem with her partner or work, or feel unwell, or be in a bad mood for a hundred other reasons.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After examining the evidence, do you feel any different? Usually you feel a little better having looked at the situation more objectively. Give it a try.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dig a little deeper<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Self-talk can also direct you to the underlying negative belief being triggered in a situation. Take the same situation with Fran not acknowledging you at work, but this time you identify different self-talk.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cFran didn\u2019t acknowledge me because my friendship doesn\u2019t matter to her.\u201d Here you could use this self-talk to discover underlying negative beliefs you hold about yourself. To do this you would ask the following:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Start by assuming your self-talk is correct (which it likely isn\u2019t) and ask, \u201cIf this idea is true, what do I think this says about me?\u201d Your answer might be, \u201cIt means I don\u2019t matter.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Next assume this is correct and ask, \u201cIf I don\u2019t matter, what does that say about me?\u201d You might think, \u201cIt means I\u2019m insignificant, unworthy of others\u2019 love. I\u2019m unlovable.\u201d Hence we\u2019ve identified several negative core beliefs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Asking these questions about our self-talk can direct us to the deeper beliefs we have about ourselves, which likely influence many of our interpretations at an unconscious level. We can then remind ourselves that our original self-talk is coming from an old distorted belief we have about ourselves and is likely not factual. We then could explore other therapies that can help shift these core beliefs, such as schema-focused therapy or EMDR.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Challenging your self-talk may seem time-consuming, but when you take the time to do this you gain tremendous insight into yourself and can become your own therapist. You will likely recognise patterns in your thinking. You may notice, for instance,that you tend to take things personally a lot. Or that you tend to think the worst possible outcomes for situations. Or that you tend to make assumptions about what others are thinking all the time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Aaron identified many common unhelpful thinking patterns. It\u2019s likely that all of us relate to some of these patterns at one time or another. Here are a few.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unhelpful thinking styles<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

All-or-none thinking<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

This is when you see things in black and white \u2014 as one extreme or the other. Some examples are:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf I don\u2019t get really high marks in my exams I\u2019m a complete and utter worthless failure!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Try replacing this with, \u201cIf I don\u2019t get high marks I\u2019ll be disappointed but I know I\u2019m still smart, capable and worthy. I just need to look at what to do differently next time.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf I do something that goes against my values \u2014 for example, be dishonest \u2014 then I\u2019m a shameful, unforgivable person.\u201d Replace with, \u201cI\u2019ll be disappointed in myself but I\u2019m human, still worthy, and I can to use this mistake as feedback to behave differently in future.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Black-and-white thinking comes when you get really attached to a standard you have for yourself. This causes tremendous pressure on you and feeds your anxiety. If you have black-and-white thinking, sooner or later, realistically, you are not going to meet your rigid high standards. Where does that lead? To depression. So this thinking also feeds depression.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you hear yourself using a lot of \u201cI should …!\u201d or \u201cI must …!\u201d in your self-talk,it\u2019s likely you are putting too much pressure on yourself and have black-and-white thinking. You can also be black and white about day-to-day activities like getting the house cleaned by noon or building a new cupboard perfectly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Catastrophising<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

This involves thinking the worst possible outcome fora situation and is the hallmark of anxiety. Let\u2019s say you are fearful about public speaking and have to present a speech at a wedding. Your self-talk might go like this: \u201cI\u2019ll forget what to say, then say it all wrong. No one will laugh at my jokes. I\u2019ll appear ridiculous, incompetent and be so humiliated the entire night will be ruined and the bride and groom will hate me for ruining their wedding, and no one will talk to me ever again and I\u2019ll never want to show my face in public again!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you catch yourself thinking this way, remind yourself you are catastrophizing, sis! In reality your speech likely won\u2019t be perfect but the earth won\u2019t open up and swallow you and destroy your life if you make mistakes. Most people are more focused on their own issues to care that much about your performance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mind reading<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Here you assume you know what people are thinking without clarifying it with them. A friend might not return your call so you tell yourself, \u201cHe probably doesn\u2019t like me any more.\u201d Or your boss gives you some feedback to improve your work output and you think, \u201cShe thinks I\u2019m completely hopeless and I\u2019m not good enough for this role.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mind reading is commonly in the form of taking things personally. Remind yourself these are beliefs, not facts. Examine the evidence and explore whether this thinking relates to a deeper core belief about yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Filtering<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

When you filter, you pick out one negative detail and forget all the good stuff. Say you attend a party and have some laughs, great food, fun dancing, but make a thoughtless remark to an acquaintance and embarrass yourself. On returning home a friend asks how the party went and you say it was a complete disaster because you embarrassed yourself. You forget all the good parts of the night and focus on the one thing that didn\u2019t go well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Over-generalising<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

This is when you have one failure or bad experience and assume it means you will always fail or have a bad experience. You might fail your driving test and think, \u201cI\u2019ll never get my licence! I\u2019m always going to fail!\u201d Or a partner ends your relationship and you think, \u201cI\u2019ll never have a successful relationship. Everyone will always leave me!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The fact is you failed one driving test and had one failed relationship, no more and no less. You simply can\u2019t predict your future based on this. If you explore what you might do differently next time, you\u2019ll have a better chance of success.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Helpful questions to challenge negative self-talk: <\/h2>\n\n\n\n