{"id":737,"date":"2020-05-01T07:00:31","date_gmt":"2020-05-01T07:00:31","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/?p=737"},"modified":"2020-04-29T08:03:00","modified_gmt":"2020-04-29T08:03:00","slug":"making-friends-in-adulthood-a-guide-by-those-whove-done-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/making-friends-in-adulthood-a-guide-by-those-whove-done-it","title":{"rendered":"Making friends in adulthood: a guide by those who\u2019ve done it"},"content":{"rendered":"

You spend the years from playground to university campus sardine-packed next to a surplus of same-age peers. Making friends is a cinch \u2013 everyone is tackling first-day nerves, playground drama, adolescence, new love and university deadlines together.<\/p>\n

But the transition from early adulthood leaves this convenient set-up behind. College grads relocate, starting their social life from scratch; full-time jobs and romantic relationships edge out the time you once had to build and maintain friendships; and playground days are behind you. It seems that everyone, naturally, becomes choosier about what constitutes a \u201cgreat pal.\u201d<\/p>\n

Making friends becomes one of life\u2019s great mysteries; good intentions are pitted against perfectly nice colleagues who aren\u2019t on the same page, an epidemic of last-minute rain-checks and an overarching desire to stay in.<\/p>\n

An abundance of studies prove what\u2019s obvious: millennials are lonely, time-poor and socially afraid. And while there\u2019s a wealth of advice for tackling these issues \u2013 such as: \u201cJoin an adult sports league!\u201d, \u201cReach out to your neighbours!\u201d, \u201cDM people on Instagram!\u201d \u2013 there\u2019s very little on how these suggestions pan out in practice. It\u2019s all well and good joining a reading club, but how do you turn said reading club friend into a genuine bond?<\/p>\n

Here, four millennials who relocated to new cities tell their stories of drunken encounters, gym buddies, Whatsapp groups and the struggle for true connection.<\/p>\n

\u201cSince moving countries and starting with a friend base of zero, I\u2019ve found the whole process of making friends as an adult weirder than it should be.\u201d Cicely, who moved to Sydney for work in 2016, says. \u201cIt\u2019s like starting a romantic relationship and struggling to move past the \u2018friend zone\u2019. Getting from \u2018you\u2019re nice\u2019 to an authentic friendship is hard.\u201d<\/p>\n

Rosanna, a brand strategist now based in New York, also found meeting people she struck a genuine connection with difficult. \u201cA lot of people are nice and fun to hang out with, but you never really skip surface chat,\u201d she says. On top of that, cemented friendship groups and busy lives made it difficult for her to find people receptive to new connections.<\/p>\n

The process of making friends in adulthood can feel excruciatingly slow. A recent study from the University of Kansas\u00a0found two people need to spend 90 hours together to become friends and 200 hours to qualify as close friends. Out of playground context, 200 hours is a vast amount of time or, put differently, five weeks\u2019 worth of your nine to five \u2013 and that doesn\u2019t account for the time spent failing to find those \u201cclicks\u201d.<\/p>\n

But those hours become more manageable if friendships are formed within existing routines, as was the case for Cicely, who struck up a friendship with someone in her gym class. \u201cWe instantly bonded due to having similar fitness levels and being able to partner up,\u201d she says. \u201cYou know when the instructor shows you what you\u2019re about to do and you exchange that \u2018bloody hell\u2019 look with someone who is equally dreading it \u2013 that was us.\u201d<\/p>\n

Leave judgement at home<\/h1>\n

Despite professional formalities and the uncomfortable crackle of competition, when it comes to making friends, work is a great place to start, if only for the convenience of proximity. Your colleagues are, after all, the people you spend the most time with. You might have bonded exclusively over complaints about the work toilets but there\u2019s a chance you\u2019ve got more in common than simply sharing the same oxygen for eight hours a day.<\/p>\n

For those in higher-intensity jobs, like Vicky, a doctor now based in London, work friends are integral. \u201cOther doctors are uniquely placed to understand the pressures of the job and the need to juggle,\u201d she says. \u201cIt comes down to common ground because they work a similar schedule.\u201d<\/p>\n

Her advice for turning colleagues into genuine friends? Don\u2019t judge friendship potential at a superficial level. \u201cOn the surface, my friend Charlotte and I shouldn\u2019t be friends \u2013 I\u2019m into hiking, live in active wear and I\u2019m in the army. Charlotte, by contrast, has never set foot in a gym, only drinks champagne on a night out and is definitely far more graceful in a pair of heels,\u201d shares Vicky.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s a shift after university where you\u2019re no longer surrounded by the people with whom you\u2019ve formed your identity alongside, those who are tied to you by an abundance of shared experiences. Making friends as an adult often means connecting with those moulded by totally different experiences.<\/p>\n

Venturing outside the well-worn groove of school friends is nerve-racking, to say the least. It\u2019s more difficult to spark a connection when there isn\u2019t an obvious tie but it\u2019s definitely not impossible, according to Sophie, a brand manager from London who forged a seemingly unlikely friendship with a colleague.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy friend was reserved and her shyness came across like she didn\u2019t like me that much,\u201d Sophie explains. \u201cI felt like we were really different and had nothing in common so I didn\u2019t make any effort. But then I got moved to sit next to her and quickly realised she was hilarious and quick-witted.\u201d<\/p>\n

Effort and vulnerability<\/h1>\n

The click between two people can be instant and obvious, sure, but don\u2019t allow the culture of romanticising \u201corganic\u201d connections to put you off. Some bonds need time to percolate, which means staying open to interaction with people you might have initially written off, and may also mean effort and vulnerability. Given a bit of nurturing, you might be surprised to find first impressions don\u2019t always count for much.<\/p>\n

Like-minded doesn\u2019t necessarily mean growing up in the same neighbourhood or enjoying the same things; the common thread may be something more buried or abstract. Adult friendships are less about where you come from or what school you went to, and more about where you\u2019re heading in life.<\/p>\n

\u201cFriendships are accessible in more than just a shared childhood. They\u2019re stronger when you can offer something to another person that they can\u2019t give to themselves,\u201d Sophie says. \u201cI judged my colleague completely wrong; she\u2019s ended up being a better friend to me than I could have imagined, helping me with anxiety as a fellow sufferer and leaving notes on my desk when she registered I wasn\u2019t having a great day.\u201d<\/p>\n

Similarities are not the only hurdle. Getting over the hump from situational friends to genuine friends is an oft-cited obstacle for adult friendships.<\/p>\n

For Rosanna, cementing her newest friendship happened over exchanging numbers and making dinner plans. \u201cWe met in a taxi ride on the way to a party,\u201d she says. \u201cIt could easily have been a late-night \u2018love but never see again\u2019 type friendship, but we made a WhatsApp chat that culminated in dinner.\u201d<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t underestimate the importance of chit-chat over the phone or via text, either. Cicely also credits swapping numbers for the move from \u201cgym buddies\u201d to \u201cactual buddies\u201d. The key is to ensure the phone interaction turns into an in-person plan, and better still to organise a meeting outside of your usual context. Invite work friends for dinner or late-night party friends to coffee, for example.<\/p>\n

For Cicely, that was organising a recovery breakfast after one class. \u201cI\u2019ve learnt that you just have to bite the bullet and say, \u2018Hey, wanna grab a coffee after this?\u2019, or \u2018Want to come to this event this weekend?\u2019,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

To put it bluntly, no one is going to make your friendships for you.\u00a0Although it can feel painful at the time, reaching out can be rewarding. \u201cIt doesn\u2019t come off as creepy as you think it does,\u201d says Rosanna, who found the only way to break through existing friendship groups is to initiate meetings and follow up on \u201csoft\u201d invites.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t forget the power of saying yes to every social opportunity, even when the allure of staying home is all-consuming. \u201cGet out there and go out for those drinks with people you hardly know,\u201d says Cicely. \u201cIf it\u2019s not your vibe, you can always leave but, more often than not, those strangers become your people.\u201d<\/p>\n

Four things you can do to make friends in adulthood:<\/h1>\n