{"id":829,"date":"2020-09-21T04:44:07","date_gmt":"2020-09-21T04:44:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/?p=829"},"modified":"2020-12-15T14:12:04","modified_gmt":"2020-12-15T03:12:04","slug":"the-rise-of-ghosting-culture","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/the-rise-of-ghosting-culture","title":{"rendered":"The rise of ghosting culture"},"content":{"rendered":"

It\u2019s a scenario we know all too well: you meet someone, flirty banter ensues, dates are had, vibes are high, feels are flowing, then in the blink of an eye, radio silence.<\/span><\/p>\n

Bewildered and confused, you give them the benefit of the doubt, throwing a casual message out there, because maybe something happened? Nothing. Searching for answers, you discover the remnants of an \u201cactive\u201d presence online. A \u201clike\u201d, a distant hovering over your Instagram stories, a new post on their feed. It\u2019s then you know, they haven\u2019t fallen prey to a cruel and painful fate … you have. You\u2019ve officially been ghosted.<\/span><\/p>\n

A cultural epidemic?<\/span><\/h1>\n

\u201cGhosting\u201d \u2014 the act of vanishing without a trace \u2014 has fast become the new norm for millennials attempting the dating game. And despite its M.O. it doesn\u2019t seem to be disappearing anytime soon.<\/span><\/p>\n

A survey from dating site Plenty Of Fish found 80 per cent of millennials have been ghosted at least once, while Bumble has attempted to curb the problem by implementing prompts to encourage people to end or reply to a conversation and asking new users to \u201cvow not to ghost\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n

Mary Hoang, senior psychologist and founder of the Indigo Project in Sydney, says it\u2019s no longer confined to dating; she believes it\u2019s now a cultural phenomenon. \u201cGhosting now applies to any experience where someone you are in communication with (romantic, professional or personal) abruptly and without explanation withdraws contact,\u201d she says.<\/span><\/p>\n

So that dream job you never heard back from or that friend who stopped replying to your texts? Yes, also perpetrators of ghosting. For Rebecca, a Sydney marketing manager, \u201cghosting\u201d surfaced in the sudden disappearance of her best friend.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cTwo weeks after my wedding, my best friend stopped talking to me. She blocked me on Instagram and then got married without including me,\u201d explains Rebecca. \u201cFive years on I don\u2019t know why she stopped talking to me and it still hurts. In a lot of ways, I think being ghosted by a friend has felt worse than any ex-boyfriend.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

While every generation experiences their own heartbreaks and hang-ups, Mary believes millennials and gen Z are feeling it more than ever thanks to, you guessed it, technology. \u201cThe reality is, smartphones have limited our ability to learn to communicate face-to-face. Studies show young people are less comfortable making eye contact and spend less time in embodied company of friends. As a result, they are less adept at having uncomfortable conversations, if at all,\u201d she says.<\/span><\/p>\n

Why so silent?<\/span><\/h1>\n

Can technology be solely to blame for cowardice or is there something more complex at work? While technology makes for a great scapegoat, Mary believes at its core it\u2019s conflict avoidance. \u201cGhosting indicates a strong desire to avoid the discomfort of communicating honestly when the subject matter is less than rosy, such as, \u2018I don\u2019t want to keep seeing you\u2019 or \u2018We gave the job to someone else\u2019.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

She also believes that in a backward way those who ghost often think they are being thoughtful. \u201cTo leave someone on \u2018read\u2019 rather than explain \u2018why\u2019 often gets justified as an act of kindness \u2014 because aren\u2019t we told saying nothing is better than saying something hurtful?\u2019\u201d says Mary.<\/span><\/p>\n

Then there\u2019s the current hook-up culture, where a lack of commitment comes with a lack of etiquette. \u201cBy \u2018playing it cool\u2019 people believe they have given the impression they aren\u2019t \u2018all in\u2019 and therefore the \u2018ghostee\u2019 shouldn\u2019t care if suddenly they are stopped being talked to.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Scientists from the University of Alabama have also sought to shed light on the emerging epidemic by interviewing students about why they ghost. Five common themes surfaced: convenience, lack of attraction, negative interactions, relationship length of time, and fear of safety. However, sometimes it\u2019s none of the above. It\u2019s option E \u2026 someone else. Annabelle, an artist based in Tasmania, shares her story.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI dated a boy for a couple of months and one day invited him to a friend\u2019s barbecue. Later in the evening he had another party to go to but said he was coming back. He never did… I was supposed to be meeting his parents the next day,\u201d says Annabelle. \u201cI found out later his ex was at the party and he had got back together with her.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Why does it hurt so bad?<\/span><\/h1>\n

The truth is, as humans we don\u2019t deal well with being ignored. Research shows when we experience rejection it\u2019s not merely a bruise to the ego, it threatens our fundamental human needs (sense of belonging, self esteem and life purpose), increases anger and sadness and registers as physical pain in the body.<\/span><\/p>\n

In one study, the emotional pain experienced from rejection was found to be so similar to that of physical pain that scientists found it could even be somewhat remedied with painkillers.<\/span><\/p>\n

For Brigit, a Sydney-based yoga teacher, the pain was all too real when it happened to her not once, but twice. \u201cI was dating a guy who was serious straight away. He said he told his mum about me and we hung out at least four nights a week. Then just as I thought he was my boyfriend \u2014 bam! Ghosted! I was so angry that I got sick. I got ulcers all through my mouth, something my acupuncturist told me was a result of the anger I was holding onto.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNot long after I met another boy who knocked me off my feet. We dated for five months and he filled my head with dreams of a future together. I got so excited, then… nothing. This time I was a mess, worse than before. I curled up on the floor and barely left my apartment for a week. I\u2019ve been through a lot in my life but for some reason this was the final straw that broke me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

How to deal with getting ghosted<\/span><\/h1>\n

There\u2019s no sugar coating it, rejection hurts. Like a punch to the stomach, it bowls you over and leaves you in a state of shock and insurmountable pain. But unlike a punch, emotional wounds take a lot longer to heal.<\/span><\/p>\n

While confronting the ghosts of relationships past for answers would be nice, that option is often taken away the moment they go silent. Rather than stay in a place of helplessness, choose to take back the things that are in your control (your life and emotions) and actively tend to you. Mary shares her tips on how to move through hurt.<\/span><\/p>\n

Honour your feelings<\/span><\/b><\/h2>\n

\u201cKnow it\u2019s okay to feel hurt. Feelings work like release valves \u2014 when we block them, they do a world of damage. Instead, find healthy ways of being with your feelings. Listen to sad songs and cry, punch out anger in a boxing class, or fling paint on a canvas in artistic rage. Honour the feeling, give it expression and move on.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Disrupt your thoughts<\/span><\/b><\/h2>\n

\u201cWhen someone ghosts you and you default to \u2018I am unlovable\u2019, ask yourself: \u2018Is this true?\u2019 Would someone who loves you agree? Replace the thought with something more accurate and affirming such as: \u2018I am lovable and strong enough to move through disappointment even when it\u2019s hard.\u2019\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Foster self-love<\/span><\/b><\/h2>\n

\u201cYou can\u2019t control how you\u2019re treated but you can take time to nurture your inward relationship. Regular acts of self-care will build resilience, strength and optimism. Rather than herbal teas and bubble baths, implement self-care strategies that deepen your relationship with yourself such as therapy, mindfulness, deep breathing, journalling and gratitude practices that help you see the good in life.\u201d<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s not you, it\u2019s them<\/span><\/h1>\n

I remember the day I confronted the serial \u201cghoster\u201d who had been haunting me for a year and a half, promising dates and leaving breadcrumbs all over my social media feed, but never following through. His response? \u201cThat the reality of meeting him would have been a much greater disappointment than the reality of being ghosted.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Apparently, he thought he was doing me a favour. It was in that moment I finally got the answer I needed. I realised I could no longer continue the endless \u201cwhy am I not enough?\u201d commentary, because the truth is, it wasn’t about me. It was all him, he was harbouring serious self-doubt and wasn\u2019t ready to be dating. And realising that finally gave me permission to let myself off the hook. <\/span><\/p>\n

This is a mindset Mary believes really helps. \u201cRather than looking at it through the lens of cruelty imposed on you, reframe it as the character of someone your life is probably better off without.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Struggling to see an upside? Remember that every experience is a lesson in self growth and a step towards deepening the most important relationship in your life \u2014 the one you have with yourself. \u201cIt was the wake-up call I needed to take an honest look at myself,\u201d shares Emily, a Byron Bay-based photographer. \u201cI finally saw the way my low self-esteem had eaten away at me until I had become this woman with no self-respect or standards about how I deserved to be treated in a relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSo, I did a lot of reading, I stopped drinking as much and started meditating to work on forgiving him and myself. I’m proud to say I managed to get to a place where I felt at peace with it, long before he got in touch to apologise.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

*Names have been changed for privacy<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Rejection is never easy, but radio silence is so much worse. We look into why people disappear and how to handle the hurt that comes with being \u201cghosted\u201d.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":16,"featured_media":864,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[98,96],"tags":[185,186,122,126],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/829"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/16"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=829"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/829\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":866,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/829\/revisions\/866"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/864"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=829"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=829"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wellbeing.com.au\/curious\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=829"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}