I’m at the age where the question, “when are you planning to have kids?” comes up frequently. But despite the fact so many people feel invested in my uterus, open discussions about experiences with infertility, miscarriage and perinatal death seem few and far between. It’s surprising, given all three are not uncommon.
About one in nine Australian couples of reproductive age experience fertility problems, while one in five women who know they are pregnant will have a miscarriage before 20 weeks.
While Australia is regarded as one of the safest places in the world for a baby to be born, six babies are stillborn every day, and two die within 28 days of birth.
Carla Anderson, a clinical psychologist in Queensland who specialises in fertility issues and supporting women and their families during the perinatal period, believes the conversation is improving. But there’s still a long way to go.
“People still don’t know how to respond. Because people don’t know what to say, they’ll often say nothing, and then that becomes isolating for the family,” Carla explains.
Saying something, though, is better than saying nothing, she says.
“They may not get a response, but at least they are asking a question and offering to help. Rather than saying things like, ‘what can I do?’, think about what you can offer to do, whether it be coming around to do the dishes or just going around for a cup of coffee. That can be really useful and a bit of a door opener.”
She adds that the key is to not minimise or dismiss how a person is feeling, no matter the circumstances. Loss at any stage is often very traumatic.
“Being able to just sit and listen to how they feel is really important. Being able to have that support means that they are not as isolated.”
Sophie Walker, creator and host of the podcast Australian Birth Stories, says a supportive community is imperative for the mental wellbeing of expectant parents from the very beginning.
After having a difficult first birthing experience, Sophie immersed herself in other women’s stories and experiences but found they tended to be mostly English and American stories. It prompted her to start a podcast in 2017, speaking to Aussie women with first-hand experiences from conceiving and fertility struggles through to postpartum and the early days of motherhood.
“I think there’s been a shift in society overall with sharing what used to be a bit more taboo — from prolapse and incontinence issues post-baby, to miscarriage or terminations and stillbirths.
“I’ve been very careful to curate a mixture of all experiences. I want everyone who comes to the podcast to be able to see themselves in these stories — whether that’s through the actual experience and diagnosis to culturally or their family makeup.
I think other people being so open and honest has encouraged others to share in a vulnerable way as well.”
The mum-of-three is on a mission to reframe the way we think about pregnancy announcements and wants to see more talk of pregnancy in its early stages so that parents have the necessary support systems in place should a miscarriage, or any undue complication, occur.
“I think there is still a large proportion of women and couples who feel they should wait until that 12-week scan, when all the critical development of the baby has taken place, and they feel like they’re in that quote, unquote, safe zone,” Sophie says.
“Despite it [miscarriage] being so common, it doesn’t make any of those losses any less difficult and significant. They’ve visualised that baby and their life changing and all the things they’re going to do. They’ve gone straight through that process and are forced to suddenly grieve.”
Infertility, miscarriage and the death of a baby at any stage of pregnancy or after birth is a difficult experience and unique to each family.
Sharon Kirsopp is the Reproductive Loss Coordinator at the Royal Women’s Hospital in Melbourne, dedicated to helping families who experience pregnancy loss or death.
She says the most crucial part of her role is acknowledging the significance of loss and providing parents and families with an environment that normalises and validates their experience, so they are comfortable talking about their baby.
“If we don’t have that sort of discussion early on, then often families who have not experienced the death of a baby before wouldn’t know what to do,” she says. “Families look to us for guidance around what is normal.”
Sharon believes education is crucial to breaking the taboo cycle, not only for those who have suffered the loss but also for those around them. “By inviting, for example, grandparents and close friends in to meet the little baby who didn’t survive, it allows them to see that grief, so once the family leave our hospital and our direct care, those around them will be able to continue validating, supporting, listening and caring for that family.”
“I think we’re slowly, ever so slowly, providing further education to the wider community because women are speaking out more and sharing their loss,” says Sharon. “But it’s not fast enough.”
Simone Ziaziaris is a freelance journalist from Sydney who loves writing about the arts, sustainability and human rights. When she isn’t at her computer typing, she is out and about taking film photos. Take a sneak peek at her work @simoneziaziaris on Instagram.
