Breaking free of comparison
Every time you catch yourself thinking, “They’re doing it better,” your inner child remembers being told to be more like someone else. But what if this instinct to compare isn’t natural at all – rather, it’s a carefully constructed habit with roots in your earliest memories? Unpacking this inheritance might just be the key to reclaiming your sense of worth.
If you’re reading this, chances are you already know your childhood and social conditioning shaped who you are right now. Maybe you’ve met your inner child in a guided meditation, unpacked your past in trauma-informed therapy, or laughed (a little too knowingly) at a meme about ’90s parenting fails.
We have long known that big T trauma (formexample, abuse or neglect in the family of origin, racism, poverty or the loss of a parent) can create a lasting physical, mental and emotional impact on a person. But only in more recent times have we discovered that little t trauma (for example, harsh comments by parents, being bullied at school or reading toxic body-image content) can also leave an imprint, especially during formative years when we are developing our psyche and sense of self. The landmark book, The Body Keeps the Score, by pioneering psychiatrist and trauma researcher Bessel van der Kolk has helped this important topic reach mainstream publications and conversations.
We now know that it’s quite possible that being told by your mother to “be more like your sister” or hearing your dad respond irritably to your tears with “toughen up” may have impacted your sense of confidence, self-worth, emotional safety and experience of belonging as an adult. Over time, these moments may have encouraged you to construct masks of self protection like perfectionism, people-pleasing, procrastination, pushing down emotions, self-imposed high expectations and numbing out.
One of the unhealthy habits so many carry from childhood (and subsequent social conditioning through friends, school, politics, television, magazines and social media) is comparison – the relentless practice of developing your sense of self-worth through reference to others.
It begins innocently enough, with parents making comments such as, “You are the sporty one, your brother is the funny one,” or “Why can’t you just do your homework like other kids do?” Add in some glossy fashion magazines and staged social media posts, you may find yourself as an adult interacting with friends, colleagues, family and even strangers through this lens of comparison.
When a work colleague speaks up in the weekly meeting with confidence and ease, a pang of envy might move through you: “Why is it so easy for her to contribute?” you can’t help but wonder. As you scan your eyes across the gym floor, you may automatically compare your body to the other women working out and feel less than.
“Upward comparison” is when you compare and feel inferior to another person. It’s not the only kind of comparison trap. It can be equally detrimental to “downward compare” and think of yourself as superior to another.
Like the time you listen to your friend complain about her boyfriend and think, “Wow, I’m glad my partner doesn’t treat me like that.” Or while having dinner with your family, you may make the quiet observation, “I’m more progressed in my career than my brother.”
Take a moment now to consider how long that injection of confidence (or subtle superiority) actually lasts. I’m guessing not long, because it came from judging someone else harshly and, if you’re honest, you’re probably more alike than you are different.
How can you begin to soften this unhealthy (and exhausting) habit so that you can return to a sense of safety and wholeness? The first step involves getting to know your unique habits of comparison.
Try answering these questions as a way to begin:
- In what aspects of my life do I get most pulled into the energy of comparison? For example: at work, socially, at family gatherings or when on social media.
- Do I more often make upward or downward comparisons?
- How do these comparisons make me feel about myself and my life?
The second step? Unhook from these narratives and embrace our shared humanity – the universal need to be seen, heard and valued. The belief that= we all deserve freedom and purpose. The truth that joy and struggle are part of every life. Create a new individual and collective narrative. Say something to yourself like: “I am whole. I am safe and worthy.” Or: “There is enough love, success and happiness for everyone.”
Then look for ways that you and this person are more similar than different. For example, that confident colleague and you probably both want to feel like you belong and are appreciated at work. No doubt your friend and you both share the same desire for a loving and respectful relationship.
Extra points if you can extend this same generosity to your parents, teachers and anyone else who may have planted this seed of comparison in the first place. Watch the positive ripple that this new perspective has on all areas of your life.
