Supporting a friend after pregnancy loss
This guide offers gentle, thoughtful ways to show up with empathy, presence and care when supporting a friend after pregnancy loss.
Trigger warning: This story contains themes readers may find upsetting.
It’s natural to feel unsure about how to support uncertainty stems from the very nature of miscarriage itself. Unlike other forms of loss, pregnancy loss is often invisible and unspoken. There are no public rituals or established timelines for grieving, which can leave friends feeling awkward or defaulting to platitudes that offer little comfort.
We also tend to over-focus on the physical event of the loss, rather than honouring the profound grief that accompanies the loss of hopes, dreams and a future. This often leads to a disconnect, where well-meaning individuals try to “fix” the situation or minimise the pain, rather than simply being present with it. The lack of societal scripts for this kind of grief means many people freeze, unsure of what to say or do and sometimes end up saying nothing at all.
The hard truth is that there is no silver lining. Starting lines with “at least” is not what helps. A good place to start is by saying,“I’m sorry for your loss.”
How to offer support
True support isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about showing up with an open heart. Here’s what that can look like:
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Listen without trying to fix. Your friend doesn’t need you to solve their pain. They need you to witness it. Offer a non-judgmental ear, allowing them to share as much or as little as they wish. Sometimes, simply being present in silence is the most powerful form of support. Avoid offering advice unless directly asked and resist the urge to fill silences with your own stories or experiences.
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Offer specific, low-pressure help. Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” which puts the burden on your grieving friend, offer concrete assistance. You could say, “I’m going to drop off a meal on Tuesday, does that work?” or “Can I pick up your kids from school on Thursday?” Think about practical tasks that might feel overwhelming: groceries, laundry or simply running errands. Make it easy for them to accept and don’t expect a big thank you.
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Allow space for grief without timelines. Grief is not linear, and there’s no set timeline for healing. Resist the urge to suggest that your friend “should be over it by now” or to use phrases like “at least you can try again”. These comments, however well-intentioned, invalidate their pain and can make them feel pressured to move on before they’re ready. Instead, validate their feelings by saying things like, “It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling” or “There’s no right or wrong way to grieve.”
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Name the baby/loss when appropriate — and ask how they’d like to honour it. If your friend had named the baby, using that name acknowledges their baby’s existence and validates their parenthood. Even if there wasn’t a name, you can refer to “your baby” or “your loss”. You might gently ask, “Is there anything you’d like to do to remember your baby?” This opens the door for them to share their wishes, whether it’s planting a tree, lighting a candle or simply talking about their hopes.
Words matter
It’s easy to stumble over words when someone is hurting. Here’s a guide to navigating those sensitive conversations.
Ditch the unhelpful clichés. These include:
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “At least you know you can get pregnant.”
- “It wasn’t meant to be.”
- “You’re young, you can try again.”
- “God has a plan.”
While these might be intended to offer comfort, they often invalidate your friend’s pain and can be deeply hurtful. When you’re unsure what to say, simplicity and honesty are key. Try these instead:
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“I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. I’m here for you.”
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“This is truly awful, and I’m heartbroken for you.”
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“There are no words, but I’m thinking of you.”
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“I’m here if you ever want to talk. I’ll keep showing up either way.” This acknowledges that they might not want to talk right away, but you’re committed to being there.
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“How are you feeling today?” (And truly listen to the answer.)
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“What do you need right now, even if it’s just silence?”
It’s normal to feel awkward or uncertain when confronted with deep grief. Acknowledge your own discomfort, but don’t let it deter you from showing up. Remember that your presence, even if imperfect, is more valuable than your perfect words. If you’re unsure what to say, you can always start with, “I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know I care about you and I’m thinking of you.” Your genuine empathy will shine through.
Caring over the long haul
Support for pregnancy loss isn’t a one-time check-in. It’s a slow, gentle presence over time. Grief doesn’t disappear. It evolves.
Grief anniversaries, due dates and future pregnancies are milestones that can be incredibly difficult for someone who has experienced pregnancy loss. Remember the estimated due date, the date of the loss and be mindful around holidays or family events. A simple text on these days saying “thinking of you today” can mean the world.
If your friend becomes pregnant again, this can be a complex mix of joy and anxiety. Continue to offer gentle support, acknowledging their past loss while celebrating their current journey. Don’t assume that a subsequent pregnancy erases the pain of the previous loss.
Normalise that support isn’t a one-time check-in. Your friend’s grief will ebb and flow. Continue to reach out periodically, even if it’s just with a short message. It shows them that their experience is not forgotten and that you’re still there for them. This consistent, gentle presence reinforces that their pain is valid and that they don’t have to navigate it alone.
Remind yourself that you don’t have to say the perfect thing — just be there. The pressure to say or do the right thing can be paralysing. Let go of that expectation. Your willingness to simply be present, to listen and to offer practical help is far more impactful than any perfectly crafted sentence. Showing up, even when it feels uncomfortable, is the truest act of friendship and care.
