Letting go of worry
Discover how one lifelong worrier handles letting go of worry through mindfulness, self-compassion & surrender to live with ease.
I was an Olympic champion of worriers. Someone should have given me a medal. I worried about work, the state of the world and all the wrong things I’d done and couldn’t undo. I was particularly skilled at creating multiple future scenarios and running each one through to its worst possible conclusion.
My prominent topic, and the one that can still have me lying awake at night, is worrying about my family members. If any adult or child is having a challenging issue, I go into a fretting frenzy.
What shifted?
I was so exhausted by all the worrying that I knew something had to change. My never-ending loops of thoughts were always a form of fear, which had me in a constant state of anxiety. I was stuck in my mind, unable to connect with the small daily pleasures of my life.
Worrying did not help in any way. I wasted so many days worrying about things that didn’t eventuate! Mark Twain is often quoted as saying, “I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”
How it began
I see now that worrying was an unconscious strategy by my childhood self. At times, that child felt unsafe in an environment of reactive and dysregulated adults. The big emotions of fear, confusion and insecurity created an emotional charge that was overwhelming for her developing nervous system. As a clever protective adaptation, she locked away those too-big feelings and ran off into her mind, attempting to create meaning and a sense of control.
The endless thoughts were trying to protect the younger me from the overwhelm of feelings. They still do that now. Other people’s struggles bring up buried pain in me, then worrying thoughts take over to distract me from that pain.
Changing this unhelpful habit
For me, it’s an ongoing four-step process: Stop, regulate, feel, surrender.
Stop: Interrupt and reframe
If I can catch myself before I jump onto the worry- train, I say a simple word that helps me step back from the platform. “Stop”.
I also make a conscious effort to challenge and let go of my self-identity that says, “This is just who I am. This is how I love.” Having compassion for my younger self’s attempt at protection, I internally say to the worrying thoughts, “Thank you. You gave me some semblance of control during that childhood stage, but it’s not helping now.”
Regulate: and settle my nervous system
This happens by doing anything that has me in the flow state — connected to my senses and the present moment. Establishing a daily mindfulness meditation practice is essential. This allows me to relax, drop into deep breathing patterns and, crucially, discipline my mind to witness my thoughts instead of being embroiled in them.
Other ways I settle my nervous system include spending time in nature, bubble baths, relaxation, breathwork, exercise, singing, dancing, drawing, gratitude practices and journaling.
Feel: the feels
Inevitably, life continues to present triggering situations that flush up the exact emotions that have been buried in my cells for years. Now that my system is more regulated, instead of running away into my mind, I can sit with the bodily sensations that are signposts to an emotional charge that’s been locked away and is ready to be released at last.
Like a new version of a parent, I imagine holding myself as I would a little child, rocking her and saying soothing words like, “I’ve got you. It’s safe to feel this now. Let it pass through.”
Surrender: Hand it over
Only after navigating these four steps does a wonderful option arise. I can trust that there are powerful forces protecting and helping all situations, often through subtle miracles. It’s not up to me to hold it all. It never was, and it never will be.
Anchored and joyful
Nowadays, I’m more relaxed and steady in the world. But how am I doing with my prominent worry trigger — my family having challenging issues?
Now, I can gently hold the feelings that are triggered in me when my loved ones are having their issues. I can be present for them in a way that holds space and validates their emotions without trying
to rescue them. I can remind myself to trust in their resourcefulness and in the higher power that is guiding the unfolding of events.
As a by-product, when I’m not trapped on the worry-train to nowhere, I am more present to the joyful moments in my life.
