Staying hopeful in modern dating

Modern dating can feel exhausting. Learn how to stay hopeful, avoid burnout and build healthier relationships beyond apps and ghosting.

Dear Rachel, I’m single and would like to meet someone however I feel exhausted by modern dating. Apps feel superficial, ghosting is constant and I’m starting to wonder if I’m the problem. How do I stay hopeful without feeling jaded?

It makes complete sense that you feel exhausted. Modern dating is an environment that often works against the skills required for long-term, healthy relationships. Apps are built on speed, novelty and quick, surface-level impressions, the opposite of what predicts real connection. When you’re someone who values real connection, depth and authenticity, it’s easy to start internalising the mismatches as a personal failing.

But this is probably not a “you” problem. It sounds like an environmental mismatch.

When you step into the world of dating, it can be helpful to understand your own temperament, attachment patterns, relational needs and your insecurities — including the narratives you hold about yourself and relationships — so you can interpret situations accurately rather than unnecessarily self-blaming. Dating apps can be overstimulating, especially those who are sensitive or wired for deeper connection. The interface itself invites superficiality: a few seconds, a swipe, a snap judgment.

And when ghosting and inconsistent communication are common, it’s easy to start questioning your worth. But psychology offers a different explanation.

Attachment and emotionally intelligent partnering

Healthy relationships require skills that aren’t reflected on apps: attunement, repair, responsiveness and curiosity. Gottman’s decades of research show that long-term couples succeed not because they are perfect, but because they turn toward each other, communicate respectfully and consistently show small, everyday bids for connection. None of those skills can be accurately assessed in a five-second swipe.

Attachment research also helps explain why this feels so personal. When someone disappears abruptly, it activates our attachment system — the part of the brain wired to detect relational safety and threat. You feel anxious or rejected not because you did anything wrong, but because ghosting is an experience that can trigger dysregulation in even the most secure person.

Their behaviour is not evidence of your inadequacy. It’s evidence of their maturity and attachment patterns.

You only need one person whose nervous system, internal relationship models and values align with yours.

Temperament matters more than we think in dating

In clinic, I often talk with people about how temperament shapes relational dynamics. Some people thrive in fast-paced, high-choice environments; others thrive in warmth, familiarity and depth-oriented spaces. If you’re someone who processes things deeply or values emotional nuance, app-based dating may simply be misaligned with your temperament.

Practical strategies for staying open while dating

1. Diversify how you meet people (don’t rely solely on apps)

Research shows that shared activities and communities lead to more stable, satisfying relationships. Consider:

• Interest-based groups (book clubs, hiking groups, art classes)
• Community events or festivals
• Professional development or workshops
• Volunteering
• Friend-of-friend introductions

2. Set boundaries that protect your energy

You don’t need to be always available. Consider:

• Limiting app use to certain days or hours
• Keeping early conversations short and purposeful
• Meeting sooner rather than engaging in weeks of texting
• Taking breaks before you reach burnout

3. Keep your standards, but refine what matters most

There’s a difference between high standards and defensive standards. Focus on traits that predict relationship health:

• Emotional availability
• Kindness
• Consistency
• Accountability
• Shared values
• Willingness to repair

4. Treat misalignment as data, not defeat

Instead of “What’s wrong with me?”, try: “What is this interaction telling me about them, and about what I need?” This can help build clarity, not cynicism.

5. Protect the part of you that stays hopeful

Hope doesn’t mean pretending dating isn’t hard. It means staying open to the possibility of connection while honouring your reality and your worth.