In Good Company
Despite digital connection, many feel alone. Co-regulation may be the remedy — calming, connecting, and healing together.
We live in an increasingly hyper-individual society. Despite access to more tools of connection than ever before, it often feels like we’ve never been more anxious, alone and disconnected from our friends, families and communities. The World Health Organisation recently classified the loneliness epidemic as a global health threat, the equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
In these uncertain and unsettling times, investing time and energy in the support networks that comfort you and help you make sense of the world has never been more important. This process is more than simply venting or blowing off steam. It’s called co-regulation and it’s a key component to maintaining your emotional and physical wellbeing.
What is co-regulation?
Co-regulation refers to the way your nervous system adapts in response to the people around you. By attuning to others’ emotional states, you’re able to bring yourself into a state of nervous-system regulation (or dysregulation) through your connection with them.
You learn how to co-regulate from the moment you’re born. As an infant, you rely entirely on your caregivers for co-regulation, learning how to calm yourself by experiencing their calming presence. Over time, you internalise these experiences, eventually becoming able to self-regulate. Co-regulation is the foundation of self-regulation, affecting how well you can independently manage your own emotional responses.
You remain wired for connection, and co-regulation, throughout your entire life. When you engage with someone in a calm and regulated state, their nervous system sends cues that help you regulate your own. These cues might include the tone of their voice, facial expressions and posture.
The interactions between your respective nervous systems are especially helpful if you’re experiencing challenging emotions such as stress, grief or trauma. The presence of someone who is calm and regulated can help shift you out of survival mode and into a more regulated state, re-establishing feelings of safety and trust and providing the emotional support needed to heal and move forward.
Biologically ingrained
Research shows that your heart rate can synchronise with others when you experience co-regulation. This isn’t just a metaphysical connection. It’s a biological process that helps you feel safe and stable.
Co-regulation also supports the release of oxytocin, a hormone that promotes feelings of trust and connection, which is critical for emotional healing. When you feel emotionally safe in the presence of someone else, your nervous system shifts from a state of fight or flight (sympathetic nervous system activation) to a state of calm (parasympathetic nervous system activation). This helps reduce stress, anxiety and inflammation in the body, fostering a sense of peace and wellbeing.
The benefits of co-regulation extend to your physical health. Healthy, co-regulating relationships can improve heart health and immune function, reducing the risk of chronic conditions such as inflammation, cardiovascular disease and autoimmune disorders.
Stories follow state
Similarly to how you attune to someone’s facial expressions, tone of voice and posture, ruptures in the co-regulation process also take place subconsciously. Someone looking over your shoulder while you’re speaking, checking a phone or a lack of back and forth in the conversation are examples of emotional misattunement that may interrupt connection.
These moments can instantly change your physiology and how you feel in your body. The sensations may be so overwhelming that you lose access to the frontal lobes of the brain, which give you compassion, perspective and a sense of the “bigger picture”.
You may move into a sympathetic nervous system state where you feel tension, anger, reactivity and judgment of another person. Or you may shift into the shame of the dorsal vagal system, think that there’s something wrong with you and withdraw.
This is the brain’s attempt to make sense of the situation through the stories it tells itself. When the sympathetic nervous system is activated, the story is one of protection and may sound like, “I need to protect myself, judge, blame and criticise other people.” Conversely, when the dorsal vagal state is activated, it’s a story of disconnection where you may tell yourself, “I’m alone, I don’t have anyone, I don’t belong.”
Regulation is a story of connection. It’s the understanding that true connection takes work, so you have to prioritise it. You only need to look at one of the biggest regrets of the dying, not spending more time with friends, to recognise that you’re not wired to flourish on your own.
Put simply, you’re not needy for needing people.
Self-awareness and self-compassion
It’s important to recognise the difference between co-regulation and co-dependency. While co-regulation is about healthy, mutual connection, co-dependency occurs when you lose connection to your own sense of self in order to meet the needs of another. This can lead to patterns of anxiety, overwhelm and emotional exhaustion.
Co-dependency often stems from childhood experiences where you learned to prioritise the needs of others in order to feel safe. In contrast, co-regulation allows both individuals to maintain their sense of self while supporting each other. It’s grounded in care, compassion and a shared commitment to each other’s wellbeing.
To help others return to a state of nervous-system regulation, you must first attend to your own nervous system. Co-regulation recognises that, as a human being, you have limits. Being aware of what’s happening in your own nervous system and how much capacity you have to give to someone is crucial in cultivating the capacity to co-regulate effectively.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, drained or stressed, it will be harder to provide the calm presence others need. Give yourself the grace to recognise you may be impacted and that you’re not a bad person for realising how much you can give. Even sitting with someone for an hour will make a huge difference if you’re in a regulated state.
By practising self-compassion, you activate the vagus nerve. This slows your heart rate, releases tension in the body, brings kindness and care to your voice and softens your face. You can then be a successful co-regulator for others.
The ripple effect
Belonging and having relationships where you feel truly seen, felt and heard can be an extraordinary influence on the quality and length of your life. When you prioritise connection and mutual regulation, you create a ripple effect that strengthens your emotional health, reduces stress and supports your overall wellbeing.
The next time you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, remember the power of connection. Reach out to someone who makes you feel safe and notice how your nervous system shifts. The simple act of co-regulating with others can have profound effects on your health and happiness, rippling out to your community and the world.
