Holding Happiness and Heartache

Dear Rachel, I’ve just found out I’m pregnant and I’m so happy, but one of my dearest friends is going through IVF and hasn’t had success.
I feel torn between celebrating and protecting her feelings. How do I tell her in a way that’s compassionate and doesn’t create distance between us?

Congratulations, what beautiful news. For many people, pregnancy is one of life’s most tender experiences and you have every right to feel joyful.

But joy often sits alongside someone else’s heartache, and that is where things get complicated. Loving your friend through their fertility
journey while carrying happy news of your own is one of the most layered emotional experiences a friendship can hold. The fact that you’re
thinking about her, before you’ve even shared the news, shows you’re approaching this with the kind of care and respect that strong friendships are built on.

Tell them and tell them early-ish

It can be tempting to delay sharing or to wait until “the right time”. It’s normal to avoid things that feel hard, particularly in the context of
relationships that really matter to us. Most of us want our feelings to be considered by the people who love us, but we don’t want to be treated as fragile. Sharing the important news with intention and before you tell others signals that the person matters.

Consider sending a text first

This is one of the most underrated acts of kindness in this situation. A face-to-face announcement, no matter how lovingly it’s delivered, puts the other person in the impossible position of managing their own emotions — their own grief — in real time while also performing happiness for the pregnant person.

A short, heartfelt message, sent privately, with no expectation of an immediate reply, gives the other person room to feel what they feel. They might cry. They might need a few hours or a few days. Letting them process privately allows the other person to have some autonomy and control over how they process the news at a time when they feel like they have little control over their own journey to pregnancy. This is a gift.

Something like: “I wanted to tell you something before anyone else, and I’m choosing to text rather than tell you in person because I want you to have space to feel however you feel. I’m pregnant. I love you and I know this news might land in a complicated way. There’s no need to reply straight away. Take all the time you need. Please know that you don’t need to feel any particular way about this.”

Ask the other person how they’d like to navigate this

Once they’ve had time to sit with the news, the next step is opening a quiet door for conversation. Ask them gently: “Is there a way you’d feel comfortable talking about this?”

Some friends will want to be looped into milestones; others will need you to keep pregnancy talk to a minimum. Some will want to come to the baby shower; others will need to opt out without having to explain why. There is no right answer, only the answer that works for them, in this season, and that may shift as the months go on. The point isn’t to predict their needs perfectly. It’s to make clear that their needs matter to you. Effective communication in moments like this isn’t about saying the perfect thing, it’s about asking, listening and being willing to be told.

Lean into compassion, not guilt

Here’s the part that’s harder to talk about: you may, at times, feel guilty for being pregnant. You might find yourself dimming your own joy, hiding scan photos, or apologising for symptoms. That instinct comes from a loving place, but you don’t need to shrink your happiness to
honour their pain. Both can exist. Your pregnancy is not the cause of their struggle. Masking your joy or whatever emotions you experience can make a friendship feel performative.

What helps is honesty, gentleness and consistency. Keep showing up. Ask how they are doing, about their work, their appointments, their dog, their bad week, not just about IVF. Friendships under strain need ordinary moments, too.

Get the right kind of support, for both of you

Fertility struggles are deeply isolating, and people undergoing fertility treatment can benefit enormously from speaking with a fertility
counsellor. ANZICA (the Australian and New Zealand Infertility Counsellors Association) maintains a directory of qualified counsellors who
specialise in this area, and most fertility clinics offer counselling as part of their care.

Don’t forget yourself. Holding joy and someone else’s grief at the same time is emotional work. A perinatal psychologist, or even a few sessions with your GP, can help you carry it.

Distance in friendships often comes not from hard news, but from avoidance, such as the unsaid things and the careful sidestepping. You’re already doing the opposite: leaning in, thinking ahead and choosing compassion. That is what protects a friendship through hard seasons. Keep showing up for them but make room for all the emotions this season evokes for you.

This article is featured in WellBeing Magazine 223