Why being true to your values can help your relationship

The chance to experience a soulful relationship is something to truly treasure, whether we are searching for it or currently working at maintaining it. These relationships — those that represent a true connection between people — are often depicted in movies or fairy tales as a moment of clarity, a feeling of “you complete me”.

This, however, is not entirely accurate because the beauty of a soulful relationship is “you see me”, whereby each person seeks to understand and honour the other just as he or she is. Creating a relationship that is soulful, where each partner sees and understands the other, can be achieved through learning to link your values with theirs.

The key to understanding this lies in the idea that we encompass all things and so does everyone else. You can be both kind and cruel, generous and greedy, boring and exciting and many other dichotomies as well. When you embrace the idea that you carry every character trait, both positive and negative, then you are ready to experience unity with someone else.

This often happens when you are being true to yourself and to what you love. You increase the probability of attracting those who are also committed to living in the same manner, allowing you to know the real person and, in turn, be cherished for who you really are. Being with someone who contributes to balancing you by both supporting and challenging you creates a connection that is real and long-lasting.

Ultimately, the purpose of a relationship is to help awaken you to the inherent balance existing within and around you, and to assist you in acknowledging your wholeness. You cherish yourself and your partner when you can see yourself wholly and completely. As Zen masters assure us, there is no search to be done. You simply wake up and see what you already have and who you really are.


The real story on soulmates

If you’ve ever been in business or in love with someone beyond the initial period of infatuation, you already know that relationships don’t necessarily make you happy. Rather, sometimes you perceive yourself to be feeling better and sometimes you don’t — the same as when you’re on your own.

Our connections with one another, although rich with potential, can often be the most misunderstood areas of life. In truth, love shows no partiality and is its own reward. It can’t be possessed, nor does it possess. It withholds nothing and with it there’s no limit. Anything else is an illusion.

Don’t fall into the delusion that anyone else is obliged to live according to what’s important to you, even when they say they intend to. If they do, be grateful. If they don’t, be unsurprised; they’re just being true to themselves and making decisions accordingly. For the truth is that we all act according to our value system and any time you expect someone to live outside their values, you create a false expectation.

If you can’t see how someone else getting what they’d love gives you what you desire, then you’ll naturally try to change them or you’ll be compelled to find someone new. You can try to convince yourself to live and let live, but until you can see how to love and link love, you’ll be drawn to something different.

A soulmate is a person who can share your life for whatever period of time. Together, you can explore something magical that transcends comparing similarities and differences and enters the realm of true love. When you truly find this, you discern that others are no more the source of fulfilment than one star is the source of light — two or more stars together shine beautifully, full of light.


Linking love

There are relationship counsellors who tell singles to seek mates with values similar to their own and that will be the key to long-lasting love; but they’re not telling the whole story. While it’s true that we need to find a connection if we want to move forward together, it’s not necessary for people to cherish all the same things. What’s far more important is that your values are somehow linked. Then both of you can feel that your inner traits are being honoured and served.

One way to know when your values are not linked to each other’s is when you encounter one-sided conversations, or alternating monologues, with one person speaking about what’s meaningful to him or her while the other’s mind wanders away to his or her own concerns. Either link your values, shift the conversation or move on, because monologues are almost a certainty for disappointing or dissatisfying relationships.

Interestingly, you can learn how to do this with anyone — and that’s not an exaggeration. Linking your values with others is not limited to romantic relationships but can be applied to business partnerships and relationships with family and friends. Doing this is an art that requires proficiency and creativity, which can be learned and developed. Once mastered, you’ll find it one of the most important skills you’ll ever apply in building, maintaining and enriching personal ties.

The more you do this, the easier it is to talk with others, to work out perceived differences and problems, and to enrich your relationships with an even deeper sense of intimacy and connectedness. The master of relationships is the person who knows and applies the art of linking someone else’s values to his or her own and can communicate in anyone’s ideals.

Interestingly, we can actually change our destiny by altering our hierarchy of values. In other words, your priorities dictate your destiny because they move you towards or away from certain things in life. If you decide to align your values to support you in achieving specific goals, you’re wise to choose those that are reasonable and achievable.

Be mindful, though, that people’s values may change. Certainly, milestones can cause priorities to shift. A life-threatening illness, a mid-life crisis or the birth of a child are examples of things that trigger people to reassess and rethink what’s important to them. So it’s crucial you continue to talk about your values with those you care about.


Top values

Go through these questions to determine the top values held by you and your partner.

  • How do you fill your space?
    Whatever objects are prevalent in living, working and recreational spaces show what is considered important.
  • How is time spent?
    What activity claims most of the day? What comes in second, third or fourth?
  • How do you spend your energy?
    People require less sleep and express more life force and vigour when they are doing what they love and loving what they do.
  • How do you spend your money?
    Alfred Marshall stated in Principles of Economics that people spend their money according to their values. Follow the money. It blazes a trail straight to your values.
  • Where is organisation most evident?
    Where is the greatest order in your life? Where do things run most smoothly? Where’s the greatest chaos? These areas will indicate your priorities.
  • What do you think about?
    What are you constantly mulling over, considering and trying to understand even more? Look inside your thoughts and learn who you are.
  • What do you speak about with others?
    Most people have a way of bringing the conversation back to their favourite topics sooner or later.
  • What are your goals?
    Do they revolve around business, family or holidays? Do you see a pattern here, too?


Dr John Demartini is an international speaker and author and he features in the book and DVD series The Secret. He is the author of more than 40 books including the recently released The Heart of Love. W:


The WellBeing Team

The WellBeing Team

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