Plan C: Navigating infertility
Navigating infertility, Sheila Vijeyarasa redefined success, motherhood and her self-worth. Her IVF journey meant surrendering old expectations, embracing the unknown and finding deep transformation through adversity.
It’s not every day you find yourself being filmed on the toilet, trying to urinate on a pregnancy test strip. Yet Sheila Vijeyarasa found herself in exactly that situation. In her latest book, The Power of Little Steps, she writes, “As I sit here, with a camera capturing every awkward angle, I can’t help but wonder: ‘How did I get here?’ ‘This wasn’t the plan!’”
This intimate moment was being filmed for Channel 9 documentary Big Miracles, a behind-the-scenes look at the hope and heartbreak of infertility and in-vitro fertilisation (IVF). According to IVF Australia, “One in six Australian couples of reproductive age experience difficulties conceiving a child.” For so many couples and single women, becoming a parent requires an incredible amount of medical intervention.
This was certainly true for Vijeyarasa and her husband Tyson Salijevic. While they knew IVF would be difficult, they had no idea how physically and emotionally exhausting it would be. They didn’t know how much grief they would face or the bravery they would need to become parents.
The IVF journey
At age 38, Vijeyarasa had a successful career and was in a serious long-term relationship. However, when that relationship ended, she wasn’t ready to give up her dream of becoming a mum, so she froze her eggs. It wasn’t until she was 45 that she met her husband-to-be, Salijevic, who was 46. While they met later in life, they fell in love quickly.
Within three months, they were consulting with IVF Australia to start their journey to become parents. They began by using the eggs that Vijeyarasa froze. From her 11 frozen eggs, only one viable embryo formed, and sadly it didn’t result in pregnancy. From there, they harvested her eggs. But at age 46, the odds were stacked against them. They tried six rounds of IVF using her eggs, but unfortunately each attempt failed to produce a pregnancy. It was a heartbreaking process for the couple.
On their final round of IVF using her last egg, the Big Miracles cameras were rolling as Vijeyarasa did a home pregnancy test. The tension was palpable. When the cameras zoomed in and “not pregnant” appeared on the test strip, she buried her head in her husband’s shoulder, sobbing, “No, no, no!”. He took her in his arms and kissed her softly on the head. In that moment, they both knew that their dream of starting their own family was over.
Pivoting to Plan C
Their last IVF failure was devastating for the couple. “When things didn’t go as planned, it felt like the ground had been ripped out from beneath me,” Vijeyarasa says. “We felt betrayed, like utter failures. There’s a rawness when you realise the life you envisioned is slipping through your fingers, and no amount of effort can force it back into place.”
Even with incredible medical advancements, there’s still no guarantees with IVF. “This was a humbling realisation and forced me to reframe my expectations and lean into the deeper lessons of resilience and surrender,” Vijeyarasa says. To continue their journey, the couple needed to pivot to Plan C.
Their doctor suggested they consider conceiving using an egg donor. “It all felt scary and foreign,” Vijeyarasa says. “You’re going against the natural order of things. I worried the child wouldn’t love me, but deep down my biggest fear was that I wouldn’t love the child.”
It took time and deep soul searching for Vijeyarasa to consider having a child that wasn’t biologically hers. She says, “To embrace a Plan C mindset meant letting go of what I thought life should look like and leaning into the possibilities of what could be.”
Navigating grief and loss
Arriving at acceptance wasn’t easy. Vijeyarasa went into a grieving process for about three months when she realised she wouldn’t be able to conceive a child with her own eggs. “With IVF, the big grief is the first failed pregnancy test, and then after that it’s all compounding grief,” she says.
“Grief felt like a heavy all-encompassing fog that I couldn’t shake — a tsunami of energy. It would hit from the beginning of the day. When I would open my eyes in the morning, the first thing I would say is ‘I’m not a mother and I don’t know if I ever will be’.” Feeling scared and exhausted, she says, “I’d just roll over and pull the sheets over my head — I couldn’t face the day.”
As she navigated her grief, Vijeyarasa says, “I allowed myself to cry. I didn’t push it away or pretend it didn’t hurt. I leaned into the pain, knowing that healing begins with acknowledging the loss.” Facing the possibility she might not become a mother, she says, “I was grieving all the memories you imagine you will create as a parent and all the future milestones, like the first day of kindergarten, Christmas and vacations.”
Brave little steps
As overwhelming as this time was, Vijeyarasa chose to focus on small things she could do. She calls these her “little brave acts”. In her book, she defines these as, “Those small, gutsy moves that keep us going, even when life feels like a hot mess.” She says, “One of the most transformative lessons for me was understanding that bravery isn’t about a single, big, heroic act. It’s about taking one little step, then another.”
For Vijeyarasa, this meant starting her day asking, “What’s the little brave thing I could do today?”. Some days that meant dragging herself out of bed at 5am, changing out of her pyjama pants, putting on her sneakers and going for a walk, knowing no one would be around to see her. Other days she would go to yoga, meditate, go for a run or a brisk walk. Moving her body was an essential part of her healing process.
Her husband became her rock, helping her navigate this dark time. “Tyson reminded me of the power of partnership — of having someone by your side who believes in you even when you’re struggling to believe in yourself,” she says. “There were times I felt like I was free-falling into the abyss, but Tyson was always there to remind me that I wasn’t navigating this alone.”
Cocoon of healing
Essential to Vijeyarasa’s healing process was giving herself time in solitude and reflection, a phase she calls the “cocoon of healing”. She says, “When we’re in the winter of our life, we’re meant to turn down the noise of everything else around us. Cocooning means creating the conditions for deep healing and reflection. It’s where we do quiet, unseen work that prepares us to break free and emerge stronger, more aligned with who we’re meant to be.”
While she was in her cocooning phase, she got out her pen and paper. She explored some deep personal questions, a process she calls “brave awareness journaling”. She didn’t shy away from the tough questions. “I asked myself questions like, ‘What would my life look like if I didn’t have a child?’” she says. “‘What’s my vision for my life?’ ‘What is my greater purpose?’ ‘Who is Sheila in all this?’”
Navigating infertility means facing shame
This wasn’t a comfortable process for Vijeyarasa. Facing these questions took her into the depths of shame and guilt. “Shame and IVF go together,” she says. “IVF goes to the heart of our identity as women and who we are. Society looks at women and says, you’re successful if you’ve had children, even more so if you’ve had children and a career. I felt like I failed as a woman. I felt debilitating shame. I wondered, ‘If I’m not a mother, where is my worth in the world and society?’”
As she considered the possibility of a child-less future with her husband, she felt overwhelming shame and guilt as a wife. “I vividly remember the night before we did the second donor egg implantation. I turned to Tyson and I said directly, ‘We’re at the end now. We’re at our financial and energetic end. If we don’t have children, am I enough? Is this marriage enough?’” Vijeyarasa says. “He grabbed my hand and pulled me in, giving me a kiss and the biggest hug. He said, ‘My god, you’re more than enough.’ He said, ‘If this doesn’t work out, we are just going to have the most amazing life, and it will be a different life.’”
Letting go and accepting
It took immense bravery to face their deepest fears and come to a place of acceptance. Despite how much Vijeyarasa and Salijevic wanted a family, they trusted they would be okay if they couldn’t. “I would’ve found another way to love, another way to have expansion,” she says. “That would’ve grown me in another direction.”
Finding new hope
After a three-year journey of heartbreak and loss, the couple were finally successful when Vijeyarasa fell pregnant at 47, on their second round of IVF using a donor egg. On April 11, 2024, Phoenix was welcomed into the world, a beautiful, healthy baby boy. For the couple, this was the happiest moment of their lives. They have since revealed on Big Miracles that they are going to try for baby number two.
Challenging societal norms
The IVF journey challenged Vijeyarasa’s views about motherhood and love. Her fears of not being able to bond or love her son were unfounded. “Becoming a donor mum expanded my understanding of what it means to create and nurture life,” she says. “It’s about love, connection and the commitment to show up for another human being, no matter how they come into your life.”
Vijeyarasa doesn’t shy away from challenging societal norms through brave life choices. “When you become a donor mum, you’re teaching everyone to love in a different way, because it’s such an unconventional way to love,” she says. “You’re teaching everyone to give up their outdated beliefs about how to start a family. It’s wonderful when people break the rules around us, they open up a sense of possibility.”
Personal transformation
Vijeyarasa’s journey to becoming a mum changed her. “I’ve softened, I’ve slowed down. I have deep empathy for anyone having fertility struggles,” she says. “I also have so much respect for mothers and motherhood, because of the fight I needed to take to get there.”
She also has empathy for those struggling to achieve a dream. Those who feel stuck and unsure if it’s ever going to happen. To them, she says, “Don’t give up on your dreams. Keep going, keep pivoting through little brave acts.”
Even though her IVF journey didn’t go to plan, she has come to value the transformative power of Plan C. In her book, she writes, “Plan C isn’t just another fallback plan; it’s often the path that’s most aligned with our true purpose and where we find real fulfilment.”
Reflecting on her IVF journey and becoming a mum, she says, “For me, I realised it was always meant to be this donor path. Now that I look into Phoenix’s eyes, I know, ‘You were always meant to be my son. Not the eggs I froze at 38.’”
The present, the future
Vijeyarasa has a deeper sense of purpose in her life and is passionate about sharing her story to help others. She is a regular keynote speaker and has poured her heart into her new book, The Power of Little Steps — a guide to help others navigate life when things don’t go to plan.
Being on Big Miracles has also taught her the power of vulnerability. “After the show aired, countless people reached out to share their own struggles with fertility, resilience and life not going to plan,” Vijeyarasa says. “Sharing my journey on television taught me the power of vulnerability. It reminded me that by telling our stories, we create space for others to find strength in their own.”
Vijeyarasa’s journey to becoming a mum has been anything but conventional. It was a path filled with resilience, heartbreak, bravery and ultimately deep personal growth. “This journey taught me to surrender control, trust the process and stay open to the unexpected,” she says.
Reflecting on her experiences, she says, “Becoming a mum was not just a biological journey; it was a spiritual and emotional one. It required me to redefine what motherhood looked like for me. Today, I can say with gratitude that every tear, every failure and every brave act brought me to this moment, holding my son and knowing it was all worth it.”
