A people pleaser’s road to boundaries
For years, WellBeing reader Ally Page thought people pleasing meant she cared. Therapy taught her it was a coping mechanism built from fear, and that voicing her needs has deepened her closest relationships while letting the wrong ones run their course.
“Was I rude? Will they not like me now? Am I asking for too much? Should I have said yes?” These are some of the thoughts that can run through
my head after setting a boundary or expressing a need, usually accompanied by a strong desire to backtrack on whatever the thing is I’d just communicated, be it an alternate idea or decline. Nine times out of 10, the need is received well and I am reminded my big reaction is due to the discomfort of not knowing how someone will respond and my nervous system seeing that as “danger” and wanting to take back control. When it’s not received well, this too is a lesson and a choice. A lesson in communication and a choice on what to do next.
A learned coping mechanism
For years, I thought people pleasing was selfless and meant I cared too much, had empathy and simply wanted to keep people happy. Don’t get me wrong, I genuinely do care and have a tendency to feel big for others. My therapy journey has taught me that my people pleasing isn’t the selfless result of big empathy after all. It is a learned coping mechanism spawned from fear. Fear of vulnerability, of others’ emotions, of being abandoned, being too much and being unsafe. An early life of inconsistency, abandonment and volatility taught me how to read a room. To keep the peace and keep others happy, because if others are happy and calm, then I must be safe and maybe then they won’t leave or hurt me. I
developed a belief at a young age I was too much, that if people really saw or heard me they’d get angry, violent or disappear. I’d seen what disagreements and dissent could lead to and it scared me, so I kept the peace (or so I thought). I would silence my needs and desires, often subconsciously, and focus on what I assumed the other person needed. This often led to over-giving, resentment and self-abandonment.
The thing is, my people pleasing behaviours were often based on assumptions of what would make others happy. I now try to ask myself before taking action, did they express this need or is this me wanting to ensure everything is calm because my nervous system reads discomfort as danger? Good intentions or not, when I make an assumption on what another person needs, I am depriving them of an opportunity to communicate their own needs and boundaries, or to simply regulate emotions they need to process. Stepping away from people pleasing doesn’t mean living a selfish existence; compromise is so important. It means leaning into communication, braving hard conversations and allowing authentic connections to grow.
Progress, not perfection
How? For me, it’s not one tool but many. It’s monthly visits with a therapist where we use various techniques to process past traumas, identify boundaries, and explore that belief of being too much when people get to know me. It’s secure friendships that not only allow me to practise boundary setting, but show me it’s okay to do this. It’s mindfulness, through Pilates, piano, meditation, art, journalling, walks in nature, spending time with horses and anything else that brings me closer to self instead of further away. What am I learning? I’m learning how to sit in discomfort, about who I am underneath the people pleasing, what is non-negotiable, and how to speak up for myself and value my own voice. Giving people a chance to show up how I need is a beautiful (and scary) thing. People can be disappointed by a boundary and still respect it, still like and love you. Rarely has a person abandoned me for speaking my truth and when they have, I’m learning that doesn’t mean I am too much,
too broken or unlovable; it just means our needs and friendship style may not align. These are just some of the things I learn when choosing not to people please or try to control the narrative.
As I choose to walk this new path, my relationships continue to grow and change. Perhaps none more than the one I have with myself. Awareness and change can be a tough pill to swallow and the unknown is scary, but the payoff is worth it. Longstanding friendships have gotten deeper, friendships with incompatible needs have run their course (with love), new people with similar mindsets have appeared, and I’m understanding myself in ways I didn’t even know I needed. I’m still a work in progress, but that’s the point. So, to my fellow people pleasers, we’ve got this.
