How to go about finding a soulmate
Thomas Moore described a soulmate as “someone to whom we feel profoundly connected, as though the communication and communing that take place between us were not the product of intentional efforts, but rather a divine grace.”
Soulmate is a term that is commonplace in our language. It has philosophical, religious, spiritual and esoteric connotations. It is used across cultures and time and it reflects our constant search for love, for belonging. Soulmate and soul are concepts that are often difficult to define, the language we use is sometimes vague, yet these seemingly indefinable ideas are something we are innately familiar with.
Before we think about defining what a soulmate is, defining what we mean by our soul would be useful. “Soul,” says Moore, “is different from spirit. The deep soul is the way we live every day, our longings and our fears. It’s those feelings that really make life worth living. The way desire and love fit into it is that, what you really long for, what you really want, takes you to your soul, who you are at the very deepest level”.
The soul is also defined as being the “intersection of our linguistic, emotional and somatic being”. It is “about feeling deeply connected to our full humanity; in particular it is about being in touch with what profoundly matters”. The soul is nourished then, when we have a rich inner life by “being at peace with who we are, having a passion and an enthusiasm for life, and experiencing the joy and pathos of life” (Coaching to the Human Soul, Alan Sieler).
The language of love
From this definition of soul we can see why the term “soulmates” is used so often in the language of love. It describes a relationship that exists on a deeper, spiritual level than most of your other relationships. It is a profound connection that we recognise because it is indefinable by all but emotion, because it is a physical and consuming pull that excites and terrifies with its power. When we talk about soulmates then, we can become caught up in flowery language but the concept is also rooted in real love.
While some argue that the term soulmate may give the impression of being something supernatural or other worldly, it is not really that esoteric a notion, for if you believe in a soulmate, you really just believe in love. You believe it is something more than an accidental meeting, that it is instead something special and unique, something alive and active, rather than passive and simplistic.
Yet not all of us who believe in love will find a soulmate. “Some people sit around waiting for the right person to come along, while others are more actively in search of a potential partner,” says Moore. However, if you don’t search for what you want in the correct way, you are not going to find what you are looking for. This is because when it comes to love we too often seek partners with the wrong attitude in place. There are two ways we do this, one is that we are looking for the wrong person and the second is that we aren’t yet ready for meaningful love.
Who is your soulmate?
Instead of looking for someone who has all the traits we desire in someone else – like a wish-list, it is important to think about the things that we lack. This is because a soulmate can be defined using the truest meaning of the word ‘perfect’ which is ‘complete’. A soulmate completes us.
This definition stems from the very origin of the concept of soulmates. From Greek mythology we are told that human beings were originally born with two heads, four arms, and four legs. Zeus, feeling threatened by these creatures split them down the middle, condemning them to spend eternity searching for their other halves in order to become whole again. While this is a myth of the Ancients it is fair to say that many of us are searching for that one person that will help us to feel complete, connected. The quest for a soulmate could be likened to seeking a kind of Nirvana.
While the need to search for our ‘other half’ when we look for a soulmate is a human and understandable compulsion, it is important that we make sure that we are truly ready for a meaningful relationship. As mentioned before, you cannot rely on others to make you happy, for no one can fill the void created by not knowing who you are as an individual. So you need to make certain that you are seeking love for the right reasons and in a positive way.
Purpose brings passion
To do this you need to develop your own life by becoming an interesting person and by developing self-confidence. One of the ways to do this is by finding your passion. Passion is the driving force behind most of human-kinds greatest endeavours. It can come in many forms and be focused in any area. It underpins a successful life, regardless of how you choose to define success. Simply defined, it is a strong fondness or enthusiasm for something or someone, yet its power is so much greater than this. It is an elixir, that once experienced tantalizes, builds confidence and takes us outside of ourselves in ways that can both fulfil us and help us to evolve. Having a sense of purpose automatically brings passion into your life. Aligning your purpose with your personal strengths is a sure fire route to fulfilment and happiness. It allows you to live your life with meaning and to fulfil your potential.
The key to finding your purpose is to discover the specific, personal things that best ignite your passions. Spending time paying close attention to what excites you, touches you, inspires you to think in a whole new way, or even frustrates you, can lead you toward living a passionate and soulful life. The first step then is some quiet time to evaluate your reactions to day to day events. Introspection, meditation, self-observance are all useful ways for you to make a start into defining who you are and what drives you.
We each have gifts that define who we are, though we sometimes don’t get the opportunity to exploit them. This lack of opportunity is not always because opportunity isn’t present in your life, but rather it is because, for whatever reason, you have not chosen to take those opportunities. This can be driven by a fear of failure, a fear of success, low self-esteem, a lack of confidence, or a lack of support. A soulmate will not only be attracted to your efforts to live a passionate life but they will help you to achieve your goals too.
Get out of your own way
Knowing your self, being comfortable with your self, and understanding your needs, limitations and strengths is part of evolving as an individual. When you are becoming more comfortable with who you are you become more attractive to others because your confidence opens you up to new opportunities. When you open yourself to the world at large you become more aware of just how many opportunities and people come into your life every day.
Unfortunately, we are often too distracted by our thoughts, by inconsequential issues and by negativity to really see what is around us. Instead we see only that which supports our mood and emotions, our self-talk and fears. Therefore, when you are self-involved in a negative way and when you keep too firmly a hold on an image of your perfect partner, you close yourself off to everyone around you, including a potential soulmate. When you have an idea in your mind of who we want to be with, who you want as friends, you isolate yourself from the potential of finding your soulmates. While many of you may resist certain attractions because the person in question doesn’t fit your idea of who you want to be with it is important that you keep an open mind and remember that the people that come in to your life do so for a reason. “We attract into our lives the very kind of energy we need to experience in order to grow,” says Kathy Freston, US-based author and healthy living expert. Often we attract some surprising people.
This is why you should not reserve the term soulmate for only your most intimate pairing.
Not only a life partner
Soulmates exist in all kinds of relationships. A soulmate is someone you identify as having a ‘bigger’ connection with. It’s an attraction that you can’t ignore whether it’s physical, emotional or intellectual.
Depending on the stage of your personal evolution, the people that come into your life contribute different things to your ‘becoming’, they may help you to grow emotionally or intellectually, they may open new paths for you to travel, they may deepen your self-knowledge or teach you a lesson in life from which you become stronger. As such you may have many soulmates during the course of your life. Not all these relationships will last and not all of them will end well.
Our most familiar concept of soulmate is ‘life-long partner’ yet soulmates are not always in your life for a long time. Sometimes your soulmate introduces drama into your life and sometimes they take you on a gentler ride. Either way your soulmate challenges you in ways that stretch your sense of self and whether these soulmates are in your life for a few months or a few years the intensity of the connection will always be the same and the lessons learned will be just as valuable.
Ultimately, connecting with a soulmate is all about your evolution as a conscious human being. “To live a deep and soulful life, we have to take risks,” says Freston, exposing ourselves in order to connect with someone with an openness that we normally wouldn’t show. “A soulmate is someone with whom you have a strong connection, who draws you into your growth whether you like it or not. The relationship is compelling enough that you don’t just leave when things get challenging; you are pushed to become more than you were before knowing this person”.
Being ready
Being in the right state of mind then, is crucial for recognising and responding to a soulmate. “If you really want to know the bliss of soul-mate love, you have to put into place a new way of thinking, behaving and living,” explains Freston. “In times of stress and breakdown, slow down and tap into the inner stillness. Listen to your intuition and relax a little more. Practice allowing.”
Sometimes ‘allowing’ is called stirring us to wakefulness. It occurs when we begin to move out of our previous way of existing in order to experience life in a new way. “We are controlling by nature,” says Freston. “Our ego wants to believe that everything is up to us. But life will teach us that, in fact, we are part of a bigger picture – one that is unfolding with an impulse to move toward love and benevolence. So when we surrender to that impulse, knowing that we are not the sole creators of our lives, we feel aided and guided by something bigger than our little rationales”.
A soulmate can help you to do this by stirring your growth. Soulmates open you up, they help you to push through your limitations, helping to dissolve your laziness of habit. A soulmate provides a re-entry into the world you thought you knew in a fresh and exciting way.
If you are open to it, your soulmate can help you reach your potential. However, you must be careful. Your happiness is not dependent on another human being, instead it is the special relationships that you have with others that encourage and support you to become happier, healthier, more whole, people. Indeed it is a sharing of energy and growth; you don’t simply take from your soulmates, it is the act of giving that also helps you evolve and mature emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.
This is the element that elevates a spiritual partnership beyond an ordinary relationship. Soulmates support each other on their path to reach ultimate evolution, to become their best self. Soulmates help each other to become more “enlightened” beings which makes this type of relationship more demanding than usual relationships: “You have to love in bigger ways or different ways than you expected,” says Moore. “So it’s a kind of learning or ripening process”.
For example you may be required to be more honest and open than you usually are, or more generous with your time and energy. These extra demands are simply ways, if you accept them, of teaching you something about love. In this way soulmates help you to find resources within yourself that you didn’t know you had, forever bettering yourself for our next metamorphosis.
Time and patience are required if you are to find your soulmates and reap the benefit of such a complex relationship. Unfortunately time and patience are not often valued in our culture. When things become difficult or uncomfortable it is our usual response to cut and run, to start over, to move on with a clean slate but this kind of attitude does not nourish the soul. The soul remembers these events and these feelings and it needs time and effort to heal. If we continue to move on too quickly we will not learn from the experience had, we will not evolve and will lose opportunities for amazing and life altering relationships.
When it comes to soulmates you need to be open to opportunities for growth. A soulmate is someone who challenges you, supports you and keeps you moving in a positive direction through good times and bad. Once you find your soulmate, you will feel whole in many ways but your journey will never be over. Soulmates, as we have seen come in all shapes and sizes and the wisdom they impart is invaluable to your evolution in becoming a complete person.
A warning
The term soulmate can be overused and it can also lead us into the temptation of holding out, or dismissing some relationships in search of our one true soulmate. We need to understand the true nature of soulmates in order to be truly open to it.
While some people believe that you know your soulmates the instant you see them, others contend that soulmates come from deeper more purposeful engagements with specific individuals in your life. Regardless of how your soulmate comes to be, when it comes to the reality of relationships, you need to be careful not to get lost in the overwhelming feelings that can be generated and assume that a “soulmate” is someone who will be perfect and therefore make the relationship perfect.
Too often the term soulmate has led people to unrealistic expectations of others and what a relationship should be. It can put enormous pressure on partners to perform and it can set you up for disappointment as you come to realise that a soulmate is imperfectly human too. You can forget in the fog of love and attraction that all relationships require your active and thoughtful participation. You need to remember that finding a soulmate does not mean you can become complacent or that this kind of relationship will operate on its own.
There is an important difference between the love youe experience with a soulmate and romantic love. Certainly the experience of romantic love can become that of a soulmate, but we need to be careful to distinguish the two. If you rush in, in the early stages of romantic love imagining this person is ‘the one’ you may be disappointed. You need to be open minded to what is possible but not fool yourself into being misled either.
True love and the sense of completeness that this brings is a powerful desire that we all share. Yet this kind of love is not as simplistic as we make it sound. When we describe this attraction it is as if it is all out of our control, that we simply along for the ride. Yet soulmate connection is complex. It is an active connection that requires give and take on many levels.
Instead of imagining your soulmate in an ethereal way, you would be better served if you think about soulmates as the people in your life who accept you unconditionally, who evolve with you and who share the same values. A soulmate is certainly someone who you connect with on a level that is not easily explained, but you still need to work at keeping them in your life. Your soulmates are not magical beings but are individuals that speak to your inner most being and therefore require even more loving attention.
